Kicking and Screaming

"I simply do not think that yelling, swearing, threatening or belittling will get you to the place you want to be faster than kindness, understanding, patience and a little willingness to compromise."

---Rachel Nichols

This quote really hit home for me recently, and I was all about the Zen. Taking things as they come, learning to wait, developing patience and understanding; that was going to be my new normal. I was going to be kind and benevolent; listening more and talking less and the world was going to sit up and notice and, maybe even give me a parade. A quiet, slow, ceremony with lots of peace and compassion, much like myself…and then I woke up. Seriously, who the feck do I think I am?

No one who has spent more than ten minutes with me can picture me as a peaceful presence, staring at the sky and welcoming the universe or something. More often than not, if I'm looking skyward, it's because there's a couple of mean squirrels in the trees over my driveway, pelting me with acorns and chattering at me as I threaten and belittle them. Swearing? Oh yes, definitely. That's why I had to write a whole book because this is a family paper; some things cannot be said here, and I'm trying to behave, so if you want the entire story, buy the book.

The issue is real, however. It will come as no surprise to anyone who hasn't been under a rock for the last 18 months, that we are a land divided. While it's not quite the Civil War, and brothers are, thankfully, not fighting each other on the blood-soaked fields of Gettysburg, within the political arena, and in our own social circles, there is a great divide. It's real, and it's growing wider every day. I don't ever remember it being this polarized. I was a wee tot when the Vietnam war was going on, but I do remember my mother telling us about the time a neighbor found out that her son had been killed in Vietnam. She recalled seeing the car pull up, a Marine and a priest get out and she knew immediately what was going on. All of a sudden it was real and not just some jittery footage on the nightly news.

Today, of course, it's different, and the news is a heartbeat away. Something happens thousands of miles away, but we know about it immediately. It's a whole different landscape and dealing with it is quite a task. That's what I see as an issue. While we want to "meet in the middle" our landscape, politically, is this side or that side. With no middle ground. That doesn't work for me, not at all.

Believe me I'm not a person who wants to hold hands and buy the world a Coke. I'm much too cranky for that. Buy your own damn drink, unless it's my birthday or St. Patrick's Day. Then again, is this separation good for us? Is this what we want?  Wouldn't it be better for us to reach out to those with whom we disagree and ask, "Can we talk?" Wouldn't that be a better idea? I swear I don't know, but I do know that we, as a society, have gone past the idea of working together and have moved on to "Us" vs. "Them." How is that helpful? Oh, right it's not.

Believe me, I have yelled, I have sworn, I have threatened. Yet, here we are, still divided. Man, that has to stink, right? Here I am, a newspaper columnist and I can't fix the world or even the disagreement I see in my own life, how can that be? My father, who would be ninety years old this week, had he lived, would be laughing his butt off at me at this point because as much as he believed in me, he knew that change had to come from more than one person's ranting. Most of us cannot fix what we feel is wrong; that is just reality. We can shout, and cry and stamp our feet, but the world goes on, regardless of what we might think. I refuse to believe, however, that nothing can be done. I will be looking for what I can do, even if it doesn't seem like much. Fair warning, there will be swearing.  Who's with me?

Children Learn What They Live

"Children learn what they live."

----Ron Finley

My mother was never one to quote experts, especially as it relates to parenting, but this was a quote she fully believed. Even if she did insist that she said it first. As for parenting, she knew it all; which is to say she knew everything she thought she needed to know. There's a difference; anyone who has spent time with children understands that no one knows it all, we are all just winging it.

Anne Taintor

This quote does ring true, however, because what children "live" is often entirely different than what we attempt to teach them. I'm in my 27th year of parenting (Happy Birthday, Andy, I love you, and I am a bit surprised you got this far, because honestly, I did want to put you up for sale now and then) and I still don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. On the one hand, I've read everything there is to read about having kids. If there is a child-rearing book that's been published in the last 30 years, I've either read it, or I'm familiar with it. You'd think that would make me, like, the best mother ever. Not even close. I'm the mother you don't want to mess with, but somehow that isn't quite the same thing.

My mother couldn't decorate, never cared much about taming the clutter, and had the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. Being Irish and spending three years in the United States Navy will do that. I am her daughter, entirely and without regret. While I got my red hair and green eyes in a lucky break of genetics from my father's side of the family, my attitude is all her. 

Because I lived through a childhood that, while safe, secure, and loving, was peppered with feistiness, true faith, and more than a few words that cannot be printed here, I am stronger today. At the same time my mother was teaching me not to slurp my soup and always to say "please" and "thank you" she was also cursing the driver in front of her in traffic and screeching out the window at us while we hunted for bugs, "For Cripes sake! Put that down and get in here, do you not have the sense God gave a feckin goose?" Good times.

Recently, some parents I know were talking about their concerted efforts to teach their children "life lessons." Things like writing a check, cleaning a bathroom, making a meal, basic car maintenance, and all that. I fully agree kids need to know these things. At the same time, one particular parent was crowing about how well the kids were picking up on these lessons, he also used a term which could best be described as "tone deaf" if we're nice, but was, without a doubt, a racial slur.  I was mortified. When I mentioned the term was #NOTOKAY (and seriously, it's an obvious term that is best not repeated here) the response was, "I am teaching my children not to give in to political correctness." Ummm….no. Not really. You might be teaching your children to do things like iron a shirt or a pay a bill, but they are also learning something else. I guarantee if this term had been used around my children, they would know exactly what was meant by it, and they would know it was wrong. Did I teach them this? Not that I remember, but they know it.

There are parents that do this child-rearing gig way better than I do. There are people I know who are raising beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet, amazing children and they are my heroes. Not because they spend time teaching their kids how to make burgers or fix a flat. But because they showed them, in their actions, how to live. They demonstrate grace and dignity and class. The make sure that race is discussed rationally, that politics are viewed from more than one angle and that slurs are not tolerated, ever. When children live in an environment of acceptance versus an atmosphere of judgment, they learn to treat others with respect. It's quite something to see these parents in action, many of whom I am blessed to call friends and family. It's also sobering to look at the ones who are not aware that a lesson isn't just something from an instruction manual or cookbook, but rather from behavior. Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does" and that is true. Our children are always listening, always watching. There's so much for them to see. Just remember that while you might be trying to show them a necessary skill, what they are actually noticing is who you are, what you do, and the words you choose. Keep an eye on that.