Children Learn What They Live

"Children learn what they live."

----Ron Finley

My mother was never one to quote experts, especially as it relates to parenting, but this was a quote she fully believed. Even if she did insist that she said it first. As for parenting, she knew it all; which is to say she knew everything she thought she needed to know. There's a difference; anyone who has spent time with children understands that no one knows it all, we are all just winging it.

Anne Taintor

This quote does ring true, however, because what children "live" is often entirely different than what we attempt to teach them. I'm in my 27th year of parenting (Happy Birthday, Andy, I love you, and I am a bit surprised you got this far, because honestly, I did want to put you up for sale now and then) and I still don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. On the one hand, I've read everything there is to read about having kids. If there is a child-rearing book that's been published in the last 30 years, I've either read it, or I'm familiar with it. You'd think that would make me, like, the best mother ever. Not even close. I'm the mother you don't want to mess with, but somehow that isn't quite the same thing.

My mother couldn't decorate, never cared much about taming the clutter, and had the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. Being Irish and spending three years in the United States Navy will do that. I am her daughter, entirely and without regret. While I got my red hair and green eyes in a lucky break of genetics from my father's side of the family, my attitude is all her. 

Because I lived through a childhood that, while safe, secure, and loving, was peppered with feistiness, true faith, and more than a few words that cannot be printed here, I am stronger today. At the same time my mother was teaching me not to slurp my soup and always to say "please" and "thank you" she was also cursing the driver in front of her in traffic and screeching out the window at us while we hunted for bugs, "For Cripes sake! Put that down and get in here, do you not have the sense God gave a feckin goose?" Good times.

Recently, some parents I know were talking about their concerted efforts to teach their children "life lessons." Things like writing a check, cleaning a bathroom, making a meal, basic car maintenance, and all that. I fully agree kids need to know these things. At the same time, one particular parent was crowing about how well the kids were picking up on these lessons, he also used a term which could best be described as "tone deaf" if we're nice, but was, without a doubt, a racial slur.  I was mortified. When I mentioned the term was #NOTOKAY (and seriously, it's an obvious term that is best not repeated here) the response was, "I am teaching my children not to give in to political correctness." Ummm….no. Not really. You might be teaching your children to do things like iron a shirt or a pay a bill, but they are also learning something else. I guarantee if this term had been used around my children, they would know exactly what was meant by it, and they would know it was wrong. Did I teach them this? Not that I remember, but they know it.

There are parents that do this child-rearing gig way better than I do. There are people I know who are raising beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet, amazing children and they are my heroes. Not because they spend time teaching their kids how to make burgers or fix a flat. But because they showed them, in their actions, how to live. They demonstrate grace and dignity and class. The make sure that race is discussed rationally, that politics are viewed from more than one angle and that slurs are not tolerated, ever. When children live in an environment of acceptance versus an atmosphere of judgment, they learn to treat others with respect. It's quite something to see these parents in action, many of whom I am blessed to call friends and family. It's also sobering to look at the ones who are not aware that a lesson isn't just something from an instruction manual or cookbook, but rather from behavior. Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does" and that is true. Our children are always listening, always watching. There's so much for them to see. Just remember that while you might be trying to show them a necessary skill, what they are actually noticing is who you are, what you do, and the words you choose. Keep an eye on that.   

The Lunch Box Hall of Fame

"If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly."

---Sandra Byrd, Bon Appetit

I'm not much for ice cream or red wine, but I like the attitude of this quote. Yes, too much ice cream is terrible for you. Sure, too much wine is a problem as well. Kale is a superfood, we should all eat more kale, right? Well, whatever, but I guarantee if you go on a weekend kale bender, you're going to spend more time worshiping the porcelain overlords than I ever did after a weekend of Jameson and bad behavior. I was younger then though, perhaps I am past those days? No, never mind, I'm so not. 

Still, thinking back to unhealthier times brought back memories of the pitiful food and snacks that I grew up with. Pitiful in nutrition that is, but most of what was in the pantry of my childhood kitchen was delicious. Not a lick of it was homemade either. From a snack perspective, it's a wonder any kid growing up in the 70s is even still alive. Truly there should be a Lunch Box Hall of Fame for some of these creations.

Some of the meals I toted around in my genuine Emergency! lunch box with my TV boyfriend Johnny Gage on the lid would probably make a nutritionist lose her low-fat lunch. The sandwiches were, of course, made with the staple of every home at the time, Wonder bread. It was so spongy you could roll bits of it into little balls and throw them at your friends.  They were like little Super Balls; they'd just bounce off. On the sandwich would be a couple of greasy slices of baloney. I still don't know exactly what's in baloney, but that's OK, it can remain a mystery. Next to the sandwich, was my favorite thing ever, a can of pudding. Yes, a can.  Pudding came in a can, with a razor sharp metal lid you had to pop open. You could slice off a finger on these little treats, but no one ever did. That tiny can full of butterscotch goo was the highlight of my day in third grade. Of course, there had to be chips too. My mother was a bargain hunter so we had the chips in the plain wax paper bags because we bought the big cardboard drum full of some off brand of chips and we'd toss a handful into a bag for lunch. Finally, the matching cold jug of milk, with its screw cap/cup as a top, which always had milk in it. Once a week I was allowed to get school milk, and I'd chose chocolate so I could feel like the richest kid on the block. So, to review, for more years than I can remember lunch consisted of a rusty metal box full of sugar, fat, carbs, and salt. Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end.

I know several moms who still have young children, and when they talk about ideas for snacks or packed lunches, it's all edamame and hummus. Bento boxes filled with pickled bean sprouts, organic bunny crackers (Goldfish are so 1990s), probiotic yogurt and farm share berries. No lukewarm school milk, no way. It's almond Silk something or other and cold jugs full of kombucha and kefir. These are some seriously gourmet lunches, with every carb and gram of protein duly noted.

(#SorryNotSorry but this is ridiculous. This mum needs to be medicated)

Naturally, I tried to do a little better with my own kids. They bought lunch from time to time because pizza day is a big deal now, but there were home-packed lunches a lot too. No more Wonder bread, now it was whole grain. No more cans of pudding, they come in cups now, with a paper lid instead of a deadly weapon. The fruit was practically required, or else the teachers would look at you funny on parent night. Thermos jugs are gone, replaced with BPA free water bottles. Putting chips in your child's lunch might get you shunned at PTO.  Healthy is better, no question, but I think our kids are missing out on some treats that, while horrible, were still staples of a happy childhood.

Twinkies, spray cheese in a can, Pop Tarts and so many other goodies that are gone now, or at least frowned upon. In the early 70s, Apollo rockets were launching all the time; we ate snacks inspired by astronauts, wasn't that enough? Who needs fresh squeezed OJ when there was Tang? Why bother with a ham sandwich when there were "Space Food Sticks." Don't come at me with your green juice smoothie until you've experienced a Carnation Instant breakfast drink in Dutch Cocoa flavor, or, as we call it now, a "protein shake." Yes, the food of my youth was a hot mess of chemicals and preservatives, but now and then, I commit a food crime and have a Little Debbie snack cake, washed down with some Kool-aid. Why not be a kid again, just for one meal? Hold the sprouts, and live a little.