Baby It's Crazy Outside

"Words, too, have genuine substance - mass and weight and specific gravity." - Tim O'Brien, from the novel “Tomcat in Love.”

Words are my jam. Putting the right ones together doesn't always happen, but it's always my goal. Just as anything that has substance, they can be used in very different ways. The same words can offend one person, comfort another, or not matter at all to someone else. Some words are sent skyward or into the universe in the form of prayer, and those words vary a great deal in what they mean to each of us. That is why freedom of speech, the press, and religion came first in the Bill of Rights in the Constitution. After "We the people" and all the articles dealing with money, taxes, Congress, etc. the founding fathers thought to add a few other bits concerning citizens and it seems to me that the main concern was how we get to express ourselves.

So, free speech, yes, that means we can falsely yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse, right? No, it doesn't but honestly, free speech is pretty broad, and that is a good thing. Recently, there has been somewhat of a Christmas kerfuffle over the words to a few songs. Well, mostly one song in particular, "Baby It's Cold Outside." It's only ever played at this time of year, but it never mentions anything about Christmas. It was written by Jewish composer Frank Loesser as a duet for him and his wife to sing at a housewarming party when their guests were leaving. It was never meant as a holiday carol. I don't believe it was ever intended as anything but a flirty and fun song between two consenting adults, but, like everything wordy, the meaning varies depending on who's listening.

It wasn't the only piece of entertainment to be scrutinized this season. Critics went after my beloved Peanuts gang, alleging racism because in the Thanksgiving special Franklin, an African American child, is sitting all alone on one side of the table and he is given a beach chair while everyone else has a sturdier chair. I'm sorry if I'm missing something here, but all the chairs were mismatched because this gang of kids was playing around having a meal together before having to go off with their respective (and always unseen) parents for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 


My brother and I used to drag assorted chairs out to our sidewalk, line them up, and play "bus driver.” All the other kids would hop on our bus while Larry, who always got to drive, hollered out the stops. I honestly can't remember which kid sat in what chair, but now I find myself hoping that no one had to sit alone (or G-d forbid in the back of the bus) in the chair that had a wonky leg. Truthfully, they all had loose legs or torn cushions because we kept schlepping them around the yard and the street. 


Reality check people: It's a cartoon special where a dog and his little bird friend cook a meal, could we not make it a thing? It's about friends who gather together and share a meal. Did you think that the tradition of "Friendsgiving" came from a sitcom in the 90s? No, you have Charles M. Schultz to thank for that.

Then Rudolph was in trouble. Because he was bullied. So was Hermey, the elf/dentist. So was the abominable snowman, who was only grumpy because he was in pain. Toys were referred to "misfits" because they were different. Bullying, name-calling, mocking of physical differences, oh the humanity! The story ended well though so can't we just appreciate that? Again, it's a show made up of wooden, puppet-like fictional characters (well, except for Santa, he's real) singing and making toys. This is not the stuff of serious social commentary. It's a kiddy show. Seriously? People are bent about these shows and songs, but no one was ever bothered by a group of kids who hung around a schoolyard every day with a creepy purple dinosaur telling them they were special? What about Family Guy? The Simpsons? It's reached a most ridiculous point, and, given the political climate today, that is saying something.

Are some shows, songs, and traditions from the past problematic in today's world? Definitely. Many have gone away, and as time goes on, we will get smarter and more aware.  As the saying goes "When you know better, you do better." However, we are not ever going to make any progress focusing on the small stuff, and honestly, much of what has come under fire this season is exactly that. Let's look at the big picture, which does not include Snoopy popping corn and making toast, elves that want to be dentists or a song about a snowstorm and a few drinks.

Words do mean things; sometimes they convey some very serious concepts, and when they do we should pay attention. If we are going to get stuck in the muck and mire of dissecting cartoons and silly songs, we won't ever get anywhere. Let Rudolph, Snoopy, Woodstock and the rest do their thing, and let's all do our thing, which hopefully includes time spent with loving family, friends and maybe even an elf or a popcorn popping dog. My words this season are simple and mean only this: "Peace be with you and yours in this season of joy and hope."

Children Learn What They Live

"Children learn what they live."

----Ron Finley

My mother was never one to quote experts, especially as it relates to parenting, but this was a quote she fully believed. Even if she did insist that she said it first. As for parenting, she knew it all; which is to say she knew everything she thought she needed to know. There's a difference; anyone who has spent time with children understands that no one knows it all, we are all just winging it.

Anne Taintor

This quote does ring true, however, because what children "live" is often entirely different than what we attempt to teach them. I'm in my 27th year of parenting (Happy Birthday, Andy, I love you, and I am a bit surprised you got this far, because honestly, I did want to put you up for sale now and then) and I still don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. On the one hand, I've read everything there is to read about having kids. If there is a child-rearing book that's been published in the last 30 years, I've either read it, or I'm familiar with it. You'd think that would make me, like, the best mother ever. Not even close. I'm the mother you don't want to mess with, but somehow that isn't quite the same thing.

My mother couldn't decorate, never cared much about taming the clutter, and had the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. Being Irish and spending three years in the United States Navy will do that. I am her daughter, entirely and without regret. While I got my red hair and green eyes in a lucky break of genetics from my father's side of the family, my attitude is all her. 

Because I lived through a childhood that, while safe, secure, and loving, was peppered with feistiness, true faith, and more than a few words that cannot be printed here, I am stronger today. At the same time my mother was teaching me not to slurp my soup and always to say "please" and "thank you" she was also cursing the driver in front of her in traffic and screeching out the window at us while we hunted for bugs, "For Cripes sake! Put that down and get in here, do you not have the sense God gave a feckin goose?" Good times.

Recently, some parents I know were talking about their concerted efforts to teach their children "life lessons." Things like writing a check, cleaning a bathroom, making a meal, basic car maintenance, and all that. I fully agree kids need to know these things. At the same time, one particular parent was crowing about how well the kids were picking up on these lessons, he also used a term which could best be described as "tone deaf" if we're nice, but was, without a doubt, a racial slur.  I was mortified. When I mentioned the term was #NOTOKAY (and seriously, it's an obvious term that is best not repeated here) the response was, "I am teaching my children not to give in to political correctness." Ummm….no. Not really. You might be teaching your children to do things like iron a shirt or a pay a bill, but they are also learning something else. I guarantee if this term had been used around my children, they would know exactly what was meant by it, and they would know it was wrong. Did I teach them this? Not that I remember, but they know it.

There are parents that do this child-rearing gig way better than I do. There are people I know who are raising beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet, amazing children and they are my heroes. Not because they spend time teaching their kids how to make burgers or fix a flat. But because they showed them, in their actions, how to live. They demonstrate grace and dignity and class. The make sure that race is discussed rationally, that politics are viewed from more than one angle and that slurs are not tolerated, ever. When children live in an environment of acceptance versus an atmosphere of judgment, they learn to treat others with respect. It's quite something to see these parents in action, many of whom I am blessed to call friends and family. It's also sobering to look at the ones who are not aware that a lesson isn't just something from an instruction manual or cookbook, but rather from behavior. Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does" and that is true. Our children are always listening, always watching. There's so much for them to see. Just remember that while you might be trying to show them a necessary skill, what they are actually noticing is who you are, what you do, and the words you choose. Keep an eye on that.