Kicking and Screaming

"I simply do not think that yelling, swearing, threatening or belittling will get you to the place you want to be faster than kindness, understanding, patience and a little willingness to compromise."

---Rachel Nichols

This quote really hit home for me recently, and I was all about the Zen. Taking things as they come, learning to wait, developing patience and understanding; that was going to be my new normal. I was going to be kind and benevolent; listening more and talking less and the world was going to sit up and notice and, maybe even give me a parade. A quiet, slow, ceremony with lots of peace and compassion, much like myself…and then I woke up. Seriously, who the feck do I think I am?

No one who has spent more than ten minutes with me can picture me as a peaceful presence, staring at the sky and welcoming the universe or something. More often than not, if I'm looking skyward, it's because there's a couple of mean squirrels in the trees over my driveway, pelting me with acorns and chattering at me as I threaten and belittle them. Swearing? Oh yes, definitely. That's why I had to write a whole book because this is a family paper; some things cannot be said here, and I'm trying to behave, so if you want the entire story, buy the book.

The issue is real, however. It will come as no surprise to anyone who hasn't been under a rock for the last 18 months, that we are a land divided. While it's not quite the Civil War, and brothers are, thankfully, not fighting each other on the blood-soaked fields of Gettysburg, within the political arena, and in our own social circles, there is a great divide. It's real, and it's growing wider every day. I don't ever remember it being this polarized. I was a wee tot when the Vietnam war was going on, but I do remember my mother telling us about the time a neighbor found out that her son had been killed in Vietnam. She recalled seeing the car pull up, a Marine and a priest get out and she knew immediately what was going on. All of a sudden it was real and not just some jittery footage on the nightly news.

Today, of course, it's different, and the news is a heartbeat away. Something happens thousands of miles away, but we know about it immediately. It's a whole different landscape and dealing with it is quite a task. That's what I see as an issue. While we want to "meet in the middle" our landscape, politically, is this side or that side. With no middle ground. That doesn't work for me, not at all.

Believe me I'm not a person who wants to hold hands and buy the world a Coke. I'm much too cranky for that. Buy your own damn drink, unless it's my birthday or St. Patrick's Day. Then again, is this separation good for us? Is this what we want?  Wouldn't it be better for us to reach out to those with whom we disagree and ask, "Can we talk?" Wouldn't that be a better idea? I swear I don't know, but I do know that we, as a society, have gone past the idea of working together and have moved on to "Us" vs. "Them." How is that helpful? Oh, right it's not.

Believe me, I have yelled, I have sworn, I have threatened. Yet, here we are, still divided. Man, that has to stink, right? Here I am, a newspaper columnist and I can't fix the world or even the disagreement I see in my own life, how can that be? My father, who would be ninety years old this week, had he lived, would be laughing his butt off at me at this point because as much as he believed in me, he knew that change had to come from more than one person's ranting. Most of us cannot fix what we feel is wrong; that is just reality. We can shout, and cry and stamp our feet, but the world goes on, regardless of what we might think. I refuse to believe, however, that nothing can be done. I will be looking for what I can do, even if it doesn't seem like much. Fair warning, there will be swearing.  Who's with me?

Noticing the Niceties

"Being nice takes work. That's why I really like people who are nice."

---Casey Neistat

"Be nice!" It seems like I have been telling my children that since day one. I'm still yapping at them about it, and two of them are grown. There are more than a few adults that need to be told this, but sadly most of them don't listen to me. Be nice. It sounds simple, but lately, I have found that it isn't easy at all. For me, that makes it's even more vital.

Let's take a look around at the world we live in. The stock market, the last time I was brave enough to look, was in some kind of downward "correction" which I think is financial lingo for "Boy, are you screwed." Bombs were sent to half a dozen or so politicians and other well-known politically active people. There's an election coming up that half of my friends think will "set things straight" while the other half thinks it will result in civil war. For once I'm not the only person who is one breaking news update away from hiding under the bed with a bottle of Jameson; a lot of my friends are on edge, and it does make it harder to remember to be nice.

Inside the confines of my own car, I have the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. I try to curb it when there are children with me, but thankfully that isn't often. Traffic is the place where it's hardest for me to be nice, or even remotely civil, lately. I don't drive aggressively; I don't go too fast, I stop for lights and crosswalks and turkeys, not because it's about being nice, but because my insurance is high enough, already. I do, however, talk to myself in an expletive-laced commentary on the…tomfoolery…I see on the roads. Full disclosure, I've never used the word tomfoolery, but let's go with it here. I do find myself creeping up at intersections and not letting people in though. Or zipping through a yellow light a nanosecond before it goes red, to get ahead of the cars that are waiting on the other side. Just the other day I squealed tires in a backward move to snag a parking space just as another vehicle gave a signal. In my defense, it was Salem, and it's October, but still, the whole "be nice" mojo was just not happening and it made me stop and think.

Look, there's a lot going on, in the world, but in our own lives too. Being nice is getting harder every day. That's why I think a fair number of people have given up on it. There's nowhere near enough mental bandwidth to handle the task for some. I wish I knew how to fix that. What I do know though, is that being nice has to be noticed a little more. While it's true that virtue is its own reward, I know that I'm going to need a little something more and so do a lot of people. Supposedly, when we do something out of kindness, there should be no expectation of any reward or benefit. People who ring up your groceries, cut your lawn or deliver your mail get "thanked" with a paycheck, right? Sure, most of us mumble a few words in reply to the automatic "Thank you for shopping with us," but maybe there could be more. Toss in some eye contact. Every store I go in, the employees have name tags. How about saying, "Thanks, Cheryl, you have a good day too." It's the littlest thing, but I think it goes a long way.

Would it kill any of us to notice more of what's going on around us? We should see the effort it takes to do a challenging job, every day, and still be pleasant. Don't wait until it's Letter Carrier Appreciation Day to tell your mail carrier "Thank you."  Yes, it's their job, whether anyone notices it or not, but save the date: Thank a Mail Carrier Day is February 4th. There is also National Postal Worker Day, on July 1st. 





There are a ton of other days too, that honor other professions, and of course days like Mother's Day and Father's Day, etc. Maybe being nice is hard because it's not noticed, or even expected, so people just give up? I don't know a single person who isn't pretty close to capacity just managing their life, job, family, and home, and most of them are still nice. It's hard work. We should start acknowledging that with more than a paycheck, or a 15% tip. Payment covers a task; when someone does their job and is nice about it too? Say something about the effort that takes. We are all working pretty hard at keeping it together, a sincere "well done!" would go a long way. Oh, and thanks for reading, hardly anyone has time for that anymore, and it means a lot to me.

What a Long Strange Trip It's Been

So…what’s new? Did you miss me? Ha! Kidding, of course. For the record, I have missed writing in this space, and it’s great to be back. Because the Wicked Local/Marblehead Reporter staff is so fantastic, the decision was made to suspend this column during my campaign for school committee. No candidate should have the advantage of weekly ink, so a break was best, and this paper is lucky to have editors and staff that have the integrity to know that. 

The totals are out now, and it’s clear that I did not win a seat, but it doesn’t matter, they have a full board now, and everyone on it will be awesome. What I learned running for office was worth every minute of the last six weeks. First off, I was not paying enough attention. I didn’t get into the race until the last day to file papers, and that’s on me. It may have been a late start, but hitting the ground running is a specialty of mine. Literally, every time I run, I eventually hit the ground. Wait, that’s not what that expression means is it? Anyway, when I ultimately decide to do something, I go full bore at it, much like Wile E. Coyote going over a cliff strapped to a rocket. My father, who was successful in all of his elections for school committee back in the day, always said, “Go big, or stay the hell home.”  OK, Dad, I did. And boy does that ground come up at you fast.

Now, I am educated; I earned a degree in English with a minor in Political science, but that was :::mumblemumble::: something years ago and none of those classes in constitutional law or political theory helped at all. Running for local office (and Tip O’Neill was right when he said all politics is local) is a process that while phenomenal, and a reminder that democracy lives, is one heck of a ride. Here’s what I learned.

1)    Tim Green at Ace Hardware is the helpful hardware man. If it were not for him, I would likely have put out an eye trying to load the heavy-duty stapler. I know I should all be all “Hear me roar” because capable women rock, but sorry, I grew up in the sixties, the only power tools I got to use were a hand mixer and a blender. Once I had it down though? I was a stapling champ with my signs and my posts.  Tory, another capable woman who, unlike me, can saw stuff in half and use a hammer without winding up the ER was there to help too, and it wouldn’t have happened without her.

2)    People are amazing. Sometimes. I had the great fortune to have good friends helping me, from running around in my car deploying signs, to coming to coffees and helping me organize events and social media. There were also a few who were not so amazing, but that’s what politics is. A whole bunch of people, all of whom have opinions. Clearly not everyone agreed with me on some issues, but that’s a good thing, in my opinion. If you want to have a real community where all are welcome in the process, you’re going to have those with whom you disagree. Talk to them anyway. And keep talking.

3)    Being on television, even a local access program, is gut-wrenching for someone like me with no fashion sense and no filter.  While there were only a few events that involved video, it was enough to send me into a writhing anxiety attack in front of my closet of boring mom clothes.  The League of Women Voters put on an amazing event to showcase the candidates, and my goal was to not get freaked out and let loose with my normal “colorful” vocabulary which is that of a well-educated sailor. Members of my family bet me I couldn’t do it. Ha, at least I won that round.

4)    Rain at 5pm on Election Day is a dream killer, especially when it comes with thunder and lightning. Many people vote after work, but in a downpour, not so much. And so it goes.

5)    Saying “I should” about something, but never actually doing it is for losers. So my campaign didn’t work out, so what? What did I lose? One thumbnail, a few bucks for signs and some votes. No biggy. I met people, I learned about a process from the inside out and I only fell down once, and thankfully I wasn’t carrying the stapler at the time. Don’t say, “I should” when “I will” is what is needed to make it happen. Good luck to all of our elected officials. They’re going to need it. In the meantime, what’s next?