Wrong You Are: There Is Always Try

“Do or do not. There is no try.”

---Yoda

 

Ok, who am I to argue with a tiny Star Wars puppet that is beloved by so many, but…sorry my little green friend, you are so wrong. Because we are on this frustrating pandemic times calendar shift, it’s finally graduation season. Well, at least it is at my house. If I might just brag for a quick second, since December, my daughter has held a co-op job at a medical practice, passed the state boards for cosmetology, passed the state written and practical exam to be an EMT, and passed the national EMT license exam. She also navigated losing her last season of track, kept up with her duties as a class officer, and arranged college classes for the fall. I mostly stood by watching, and occasionally writing a check. The rest was all her.

 

Sure, that is a lot of doing. However, if you think there was no trying behind that, you’d be wrong. Like all of us, she tried, tried, and tried again. Also, like all of us, some of what she tried didn’t work out so well. And so it goes. We were chatting about everything that’s coming up for her in the next few months, and there will be a ton of choices she has to make. It’s daunting when you think of it.

 Last week I talked about decisions, and the times we have to choose between multiple options, even when none of them are ideal. There’s a big decision coming in November, and it’s going to be wicked hard for me to look at all the facts, search my soul, and try to pick the right one. So far, I think carrot cake will be the winner. Come November 6th, my birthday cake will be carrot cake, with cream cheese frosting. Decision 2020, made.

Kidding aside, I know that the Yoda quote is supposed to be inspiring, but honestly, it’s not for me. It's like this. I’m a big fan of space exploration. The research, the cutting-edge technology, the going where no man has gone before and all the rest is exciting, and, in my opinion, crucial to our survival. The Star Wars movies get that. Sure, it's fiction, but they show us that there’s so much out there. Truly, we should be looking skyward every day and finding new ways to get to, “infinity and beyond.” Space exploration starts with someone, somewhere, saying, “What if we tried this?” If you look back at the very beginnings of NASA, there were a lot of attempts that, well, flopped. Did we stop trying? Nope.

 

As we look toward schools reopening, the economy righting itself, and a political landscape that seems fraught with peril around every corner, it’s important to remember how to try. We need to think of new ideas, even ones that sound a little off the wall. Before this year, who would have thought of a drive-by commencement? Who could have conceived of a virtual baby shower, via a Zoom video call? An event I always love to attend is Harrington Reads, at Harrington Elementary in Lynn. I get to meet young readers, authors, and educators and share what they love about literacy. This year, it went virtual. All videos, posted on YouTube. It was that or cancel it altogether. Someone was smart enough to ask, “What if we tried to…” and then made it happen. That is try. It leads to doing, but first, there is try.

 

So far no one has asked for my advice on any of the conundrums we are facing, but, for the record, here it is: There must always be a way to try. No doing can happen before we dare to try. If you’re job hunting, try looking in a field you might not have considered. If you’re facing a decision on whether or not to send your kid back to school? Try it, see what happens. If it’s not the right move, move on to another option. My father was always spewing forth what he thought were incredibly wise words. Some were, and others, not so much. One of my favorite pieces of advice from him was this: “Brenda, the only part of your life that will be carved in stone are the dates on your headstone. Everything else is up for grabs. Try it all. If one path doesn’t work, go another way. You’ll get there.”  He was so right. Let’s keep trying.

 

 

Children Learn What They Live

"Children learn what they live."

----Ron Finley

My mother was never one to quote experts, especially as it relates to parenting, but this was a quote she fully believed. Even if she did insist that she said it first. As for parenting, she knew it all; which is to say she knew everything she thought she needed to know. There's a difference; anyone who has spent time with children understands that no one knows it all, we are all just winging it.

Anne Taintor

This quote does ring true, however, because what children "live" is often entirely different than what we attempt to teach them. I'm in my 27th year of parenting (Happy Birthday, Andy, I love you, and I am a bit surprised you got this far, because honestly, I did want to put you up for sale now and then) and I still don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. On the one hand, I've read everything there is to read about having kids. If there is a child-rearing book that's been published in the last 30 years, I've either read it, or I'm familiar with it. You'd think that would make me, like, the best mother ever. Not even close. I'm the mother you don't want to mess with, but somehow that isn't quite the same thing.

My mother couldn't decorate, never cared much about taming the clutter, and had the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. Being Irish and spending three years in the United States Navy will do that. I am her daughter, entirely and without regret. While I got my red hair and green eyes in a lucky break of genetics from my father's side of the family, my attitude is all her. 

Because I lived through a childhood that, while safe, secure, and loving, was peppered with feistiness, true faith, and more than a few words that cannot be printed here, I am stronger today. At the same time my mother was teaching me not to slurp my soup and always to say "please" and "thank you" she was also cursing the driver in front of her in traffic and screeching out the window at us while we hunted for bugs, "For Cripes sake! Put that down and get in here, do you not have the sense God gave a feckin goose?" Good times.

Recently, some parents I know were talking about their concerted efforts to teach their children "life lessons." Things like writing a check, cleaning a bathroom, making a meal, basic car maintenance, and all that. I fully agree kids need to know these things. At the same time, one particular parent was crowing about how well the kids were picking up on these lessons, he also used a term which could best be described as "tone deaf" if we're nice, but was, without a doubt, a racial slur.  I was mortified. When I mentioned the term was #NOTOKAY (and seriously, it's an obvious term that is best not repeated here) the response was, "I am teaching my children not to give in to political correctness." Ummm….no. Not really. You might be teaching your children to do things like iron a shirt or a pay a bill, but they are also learning something else. I guarantee if this term had been used around my children, they would know exactly what was meant by it, and they would know it was wrong. Did I teach them this? Not that I remember, but they know it.

There are parents that do this child-rearing gig way better than I do. There are people I know who are raising beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet, amazing children and they are my heroes. Not because they spend time teaching their kids how to make burgers or fix a flat. But because they showed them, in their actions, how to live. They demonstrate grace and dignity and class. The make sure that race is discussed rationally, that politics are viewed from more than one angle and that slurs are not tolerated, ever. When children live in an environment of acceptance versus an atmosphere of judgment, they learn to treat others with respect. It's quite something to see these parents in action, many of whom I am blessed to call friends and family. It's also sobering to look at the ones who are not aware that a lesson isn't just something from an instruction manual or cookbook, but rather from behavior. Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does" and that is true. Our children are always listening, always watching. There's so much for them to see. Just remember that while you might be trying to show them a necessary skill, what they are actually noticing is who you are, what you do, and the words you choose. Keep an eye on that.   

Let the Commencements Commence!

Typically, this space would start off with a quote, but I just couldn’t narrow it down this week. Graduation is on my mind since so many friends and family members have kids who are graduating from college or high school. I remember both of my commencements as wonderfully chaotic days that seems entirely too short, considering they were each the culmination of four years of growth, friendships, learning, and fun. In the spirit of that and because no graduate I’ve ever known remembers what their commencement speaker said, here are a few quotes and thoughts condensed into a much shorter version of most

 speeches.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined”—Henry David Thoreau. Before you go whole hog on a dream, make sure it’s a goal, not a fantasy. We all have dreams, but they need to be tempered with reality. When I was little, I wanted to be a Rockette. I was convinced of it, and I begged for ballet lessons. The problem? Even with the lessons, I was a lost cause on the dance floor. I could have kept dancing because it’s good for fitness, but it would have been silly to hold on to this goal, because dream or not, girls who are short don’t become Rockettes No amount of dedication was going to make me six inches taller. Dream big, but know yourself. Know who you are and what you truly need, not just what you want. There’s a difference, and that is for you to figure out.

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going”--- Beverly Sills. Regardless of what Siri,  Google, a GPS, or the Waze app tells you, always go the long way around. Faster isn’t always better. This applies to more than road travel of course. You can write a paper or research a project with some Cliff Notes and Wikipedia, but you’re going to be up a creek someday when you have a job that requires you to do more than the bare minimum. Your future bosses won’t give you a bad grade; they’ll fire you. Do the work. Do all the work; I promise it will pay off.

“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”---John Wooden. You’re feeling pretty smart, aren’t you? You probably are, but wait…there’s more. You’re going to find out just how dumb you actually are. OK, not stupid, just inexperienced. You don’t know it all, and you’re never going to, but that’s OK. As long as you learn something new every day, there will be no stopping you. And while you’re out there soaking it all up? Look around and see if you can teach someone else something. Don’t hog all that knowledge, share it!

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”---Arthur Ashe. We often think that we have to have something else, go somewhere else, be someone else. Nope. If you’ve just made it through high school or college, you’ve got some excellent skills. Start using them, right now. Don’t wait for a specific job, or think you need to be in a particular place to begin. Start right now, get going. You’re pretty well equipped already, even if you don’t really think so. More classes and advanced degrees are worthy pursuits, but stop waiting for a piece of paper to tell you what you’re worth. You already have so much, make use of it.

“Failure is an event, not a person. Yesterday ended last night.” --- Zig Ziglar.  If you haven’t failed at something yet, don’t worry it’s coming. Also, we’ve all failed, early and often, so if you think you’re batting a thousand, go back to math class, you’re so not. In college, before I realized I didn’t, in fact, know everything, I got a big, fat, red “F” on a political science paper I’d worked on for weeks. I begged the professor for mercy and asked to do it over. It was on something to do with the Supreme Court and Nixon, I forget, but that’s not the point. Nixon’s dead and I’m not on the bench, but that experience taught me lessons way more valuable than politics or history. Failure is kind of like a tetanus shot after stepping on a rusty nail; it stings, but it works. Without it, we’d all have lockjaw because those nails are out there, but they don’t have to mean the end of you.

To all the graduates who are moving onward and upward this season, get at it. These quotes may or may not be helpful, what do I know? Oh wait, I know this. You shouldn’t ever stop looking within you, around you and ahead of you. I have a young friend named Gabe who said to me, about moving on and growing, that education separates the great from the merely good. He’s wicked smart. Go be great.

Pics are of me, way back when. And so it goes.