Children Learn What They Live

"Children learn what they live."

----Ron Finley

My mother was never one to quote experts, especially as it relates to parenting, but this was a quote she fully believed. Even if she did insist that she said it first. As for parenting, she knew it all; which is to say she knew everything she thought she needed to know. There's a difference; anyone who has spent time with children understands that no one knows it all, we are all just winging it.

Anne Taintor

This quote does ring true, however, because what children "live" is often entirely different than what we attempt to teach them. I'm in my 27th year of parenting (Happy Birthday, Andy, I love you, and I am a bit surprised you got this far, because honestly, I did want to put you up for sale now and then) and I still don't know what the heck I'm supposed to be doing. On the one hand, I've read everything there is to read about having kids. If there is a child-rearing book that's been published in the last 30 years, I've either read it, or I'm familiar with it. You'd think that would make me, like, the best mother ever. Not even close. I'm the mother you don't want to mess with, but somehow that isn't quite the same thing.

My mother couldn't decorate, never cared much about taming the clutter, and had the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. Being Irish and spending three years in the United States Navy will do that. I am her daughter, entirely and without regret. While I got my red hair and green eyes in a lucky break of genetics from my father's side of the family, my attitude is all her. 

Because I lived through a childhood that, while safe, secure, and loving, was peppered with feistiness, true faith, and more than a few words that cannot be printed here, I am stronger today. At the same time my mother was teaching me not to slurp my soup and always to say "please" and "thank you" she was also cursing the driver in front of her in traffic and screeching out the window at us while we hunted for bugs, "For Cripes sake! Put that down and get in here, do you not have the sense God gave a feckin goose?" Good times.

Recently, some parents I know were talking about their concerted efforts to teach their children "life lessons." Things like writing a check, cleaning a bathroom, making a meal, basic car maintenance, and all that. I fully agree kids need to know these things. At the same time, one particular parent was crowing about how well the kids were picking up on these lessons, he also used a term which could best be described as "tone deaf" if we're nice, but was, without a doubt, a racial slur.  I was mortified. When I mentioned the term was #NOTOKAY (and seriously, it's an obvious term that is best not repeated here) the response was, "I am teaching my children not to give in to political correctness." Ummm….no. Not really. You might be teaching your children to do things like iron a shirt or a pay a bill, but they are also learning something else. I guarantee if this term had been used around my children, they would know exactly what was meant by it, and they would know it was wrong. Did I teach them this? Not that I remember, but they know it.

There are parents that do this child-rearing gig way better than I do. There are people I know who are raising beautiful, intelligent, caring, sweet, amazing children and they are my heroes. Not because they spend time teaching their kids how to make burgers or fix a flat. But because they showed them, in their actions, how to live. They demonstrate grace and dignity and class. The make sure that race is discussed rationally, that politics are viewed from more than one angle and that slurs are not tolerated, ever. When children live in an environment of acceptance versus an atmosphere of judgment, they learn to treat others with respect. It's quite something to see these parents in action, many of whom I am blessed to call friends and family. It's also sobering to look at the ones who are not aware that a lesson isn't just something from an instruction manual or cookbook, but rather from behavior. Forrest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does" and that is true. Our children are always listening, always watching. There's so much for them to see. Just remember that while you might be trying to show them a necessary skill, what they are actually noticing is who you are, what you do, and the words you choose. Keep an eye on that.