The Art of Apology

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse."

---Kimberly Johnson

For once, finding a quote was easy. There are so many good words  about the art of apology. And it really is an art. Not because one should have to craft some flowery picture of regret and redemption, but because there is a lot that goes into an apology. You can't just slap out an "Oh, sorry" and call it done. Unless you're Canadian, but they can't help it, and truly, they're awfully nice people most of the time. 

When something we have said or done offends another person, causes them pain, causes them to feel bad, that needs to be dealt with. Like anything, I think it's best to own it, acknowledge it, and say almost nothing other than, "I am so sorry." Just as we cannot change other people, we also cannot dictate how others should feel. If someone is mad about something that was said or done, they're not automatically right.  They could be wrong, they may have misinterpreted what happened, or they could be acting like a spoiled child. None of that, however, has to be addressed by the person who slipped up.  An apology is about the person who is feeling hurt, no one else.

Once someone is made aware of an offense, even if it was not intentional, the first thing should be for that person to acknowledge that right or wrong, on purpose or by accident, they caused another human to feel pain. I don't know anyone who doesn't give a rat's bum about hurting someone else. Why would I want to be around someone like that? It's going to happen though. We are all, at some point, going to make a catty remark or fail to consider another person and it's an awful feeling. 

Like the time I was at an event and someone I didn't care for but had to play nice with showed up. I noticed his entrance and tried to look busy at the buffet. Another friend came up to let me know this person had arrived. I replied, "Cripes, I know, I saw him swagger in here like he owns the joint. If he's here, who's directing traffic in Hell?" Her face froze in shock, and I knew, immediately, that he was right behind me.  There is nothing one can say at that moment  other than, "I'm sorry, I should not have said that." Awkward doesn't even begin to describe it. Thank goodness he moved away because I was seriously considering relocating to a cabin in the woods.

Is everyone who is offended or hurt by something deserving of an apology? No, probably not. If you care about them though, their feelings will matter. Is an apology always an admission of guilt? Nope. Sometimes it's just about regretting that an action or a careless word caused someone else pain. I still don't like the person I crapped about, but saying what I did was not OK. My apology wasn't about the content of what I said so much as the timing and environment in which I said it. It doesn't matter what I think, or that I'd had a glass of wine or any other details. It was a rude remark and being rude isn't OK. No excuses.

We've just passed the Jewish holidays, which have a lot to do with atonement and forgiveness, so it's on my mind. My Jewish friends have always shared with me the traditions behind these holidays, and I am a better person for it. We each atone for mistakes we have made in different ways, but there are instances where an apology isn't truly an apology.

We apologize to express our feelings of regret, not to challenge another's feelings of hurt or cast doubt on their understanding of a situation. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a BS excuse. Another lame tactic is, "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" because trust me, most times when we screw up? The other person has no problem understanding what just went down. It's usually just as obvious as, oh I don't know…perhaps a comment about a traffic cop in hell? Must we always accept an apology? No way. Sometimes we just cannot, and that's reality. We should try though; just as another person has made an effort to right a wrong, we should do what we can to accept it, if possible.

There's a ton of really stressful events happening in the world these days. Politics and polarization, violence and vigilantes, it's pretty scary sometimes. We're all going to screw up, that's a guarantee. I usually manage a few snafus a week. I'm doing the best I can, as we all are. Just remember, nothing happens in a vacuum; other people are affected by what we say and do. Skip the "Oh, my bad" and go for something genuine. Words matter, choose them wisely.

The Lunch Box Hall of Fame

"If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly."

---Sandra Byrd, Bon Appetit

I'm not much for ice cream or red wine, but I like the attitude of this quote. Yes, too much ice cream is terrible for you. Sure, too much wine is a problem as well. Kale is a superfood, we should all eat more kale, right? Well, whatever, but I guarantee if you go on a weekend kale bender, you're going to spend more time worshiping the porcelain overlords than I ever did after a weekend of Jameson and bad behavior. I was younger then though, perhaps I am past those days? No, never mind, I'm so not. 

Still, thinking back to unhealthier times brought back memories of the pitiful food and snacks that I grew up with. Pitiful in nutrition that is, but most of what was in the pantry of my childhood kitchen was delicious. Not a lick of it was homemade either. From a snack perspective, it's a wonder any kid growing up in the 70s is even still alive. Truly there should be a Lunch Box Hall of Fame for some of these creations.

Some of the meals I toted around in my genuine Emergency! lunch box with my TV boyfriend Johnny Gage on the lid would probably make a nutritionist lose her low-fat lunch. The sandwiches were, of course, made with the staple of every home at the time, Wonder bread. It was so spongy you could roll bits of it into little balls and throw them at your friends.  They were like little Super Balls; they'd just bounce off. On the sandwich would be a couple of greasy slices of baloney. I still don't know exactly what's in baloney, but that's OK, it can remain a mystery. Next to the sandwich, was my favorite thing ever, a can of pudding. Yes, a can.  Pudding came in a can, with a razor sharp metal lid you had to pop open. You could slice off a finger on these little treats, but no one ever did. That tiny can full of butterscotch goo was the highlight of my day in third grade. Of course, there had to be chips too. My mother was a bargain hunter so we had the chips in the plain wax paper bags because we bought the big cardboard drum full of some off brand of chips and we'd toss a handful into a bag for lunch. Finally, the matching cold jug of milk, with its screw cap/cup as a top, which always had milk in it. Once a week I was allowed to get school milk, and I'd chose chocolate so I could feel like the richest kid on the block. So, to review, for more years than I can remember lunch consisted of a rusty metal box full of sugar, fat, carbs, and salt. Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end.

I know several moms who still have young children, and when they talk about ideas for snacks or packed lunches, it's all edamame and hummus. Bento boxes filled with pickled bean sprouts, organic bunny crackers (Goldfish are so 1990s), probiotic yogurt and farm share berries. No lukewarm school milk, no way. It's almond Silk something or other and cold jugs full of kombucha and kefir. These are some seriously gourmet lunches, with every carb and gram of protein duly noted.

(#SorryNotSorry but this is ridiculous. This mum needs to be medicated)

Naturally, I tried to do a little better with my own kids. They bought lunch from time to time because pizza day is a big deal now, but there were home-packed lunches a lot too. No more Wonder bread, now it was whole grain. No more cans of pudding, they come in cups now, with a paper lid instead of a deadly weapon. The fruit was practically required, or else the teachers would look at you funny on parent night. Thermos jugs are gone, replaced with BPA free water bottles. Putting chips in your child's lunch might get you shunned at PTO.  Healthy is better, no question, but I think our kids are missing out on some treats that, while horrible, were still staples of a happy childhood.

Twinkies, spray cheese in a can, Pop Tarts and so many other goodies that are gone now, or at least frowned upon. In the early 70s, Apollo rockets were launching all the time; we ate snacks inspired by astronauts, wasn't that enough? Who needs fresh squeezed OJ when there was Tang? Why bother with a ham sandwich when there were "Space Food Sticks." Don't come at me with your green juice smoothie until you've experienced a Carnation Instant breakfast drink in Dutch Cocoa flavor, or, as we call it now, a "protein shake." Yes, the food of my youth was a hot mess of chemicals and preservatives, but now and then, I commit a food crime and have a Little Debbie snack cake, washed down with some Kool-aid. Why not be a kid again, just for one meal? Hold the sprouts, and live a little.