The Lunch Box Hall of Fame

"If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly."

---Sandra Byrd, Bon Appetit

I'm not much for ice cream or red wine, but I like the attitude of this quote. Yes, too much ice cream is terrible for you. Sure, too much wine is a problem as well. Kale is a superfood, we should all eat more kale, right? Well, whatever, but I guarantee if you go on a weekend kale bender, you're going to spend more time worshiping the porcelain overlords than I ever did after a weekend of Jameson and bad behavior. I was younger then though, perhaps I am past those days? No, never mind, I'm so not. 

Still, thinking back to unhealthier times brought back memories of the pitiful food and snacks that I grew up with. Pitiful in nutrition that is, but most of what was in the pantry of my childhood kitchen was delicious. Not a lick of it was homemade either. From a snack perspective, it's a wonder any kid growing up in the 70s is even still alive. Truly there should be a Lunch Box Hall of Fame for some of these creations.

Some of the meals I toted around in my genuine Emergency! lunch box with my TV boyfriend Johnny Gage on the lid would probably make a nutritionist lose her low-fat lunch. The sandwiches were, of course, made with the staple of every home at the time, Wonder bread. It was so spongy you could roll bits of it into little balls and throw them at your friends.  They were like little Super Balls; they'd just bounce off. On the sandwich would be a couple of greasy slices of baloney. I still don't know exactly what's in baloney, but that's OK, it can remain a mystery. Next to the sandwich, was my favorite thing ever, a can of pudding. Yes, a can.  Pudding came in a can, with a razor sharp metal lid you had to pop open. You could slice off a finger on these little treats, but no one ever did. That tiny can full of butterscotch goo was the highlight of my day in third grade. Of course, there had to be chips too. My mother was a bargain hunter so we had the chips in the plain wax paper bags because we bought the big cardboard drum full of some off brand of chips and we'd toss a handful into a bag for lunch. Finally, the matching cold jug of milk, with its screw cap/cup as a top, which always had milk in it. Once a week I was allowed to get school milk, and I'd chose chocolate so I could feel like the richest kid on the block. So, to review, for more years than I can remember lunch consisted of a rusty metal box full of sugar, fat, carbs, and salt. Those were the days, my friend; we thought they'd never end.

I know several moms who still have young children, and when they talk about ideas for snacks or packed lunches, it's all edamame and hummus. Bento boxes filled with pickled bean sprouts, organic bunny crackers (Goldfish are so 1990s), probiotic yogurt and farm share berries. No lukewarm school milk, no way. It's almond Silk something or other and cold jugs full of kombucha and kefir. These are some seriously gourmet lunches, with every carb and gram of protein duly noted.

(#SorryNotSorry but this is ridiculous. This mum needs to be medicated)

Naturally, I tried to do a little better with my own kids. They bought lunch from time to time because pizza day is a big deal now, but there were home-packed lunches a lot too. No more Wonder bread, now it was whole grain. No more cans of pudding, they come in cups now, with a paper lid instead of a deadly weapon. The fruit was practically required, or else the teachers would look at you funny on parent night. Thermos jugs are gone, replaced with BPA free water bottles. Putting chips in your child's lunch might get you shunned at PTO.  Healthy is better, no question, but I think our kids are missing out on some treats that, while horrible, were still staples of a happy childhood.

Twinkies, spray cheese in a can, Pop Tarts and so many other goodies that are gone now, or at least frowned upon. In the early 70s, Apollo rockets were launching all the time; we ate snacks inspired by astronauts, wasn't that enough? Who needs fresh squeezed OJ when there was Tang? Why bother with a ham sandwich when there were "Space Food Sticks." Don't come at me with your green juice smoothie until you've experienced a Carnation Instant breakfast drink in Dutch Cocoa flavor, or, as we call it now, a "protein shake." Yes, the food of my youth was a hot mess of chemicals and preservatives, but now and then, I commit a food crime and have a Little Debbie snack cake, washed down with some Kool-aid. Why not be a kid again, just for one meal? Hold the sprouts, and live a little.