Baby It's Crazy Outside

"Words, too, have genuine substance - mass and weight and specific gravity." - Tim O'Brien, from the novel “Tomcat in Love.”

Words are my jam. Putting the right ones together doesn't always happen, but it's always my goal. Just as anything that has substance, they can be used in very different ways. The same words can offend one person, comfort another, or not matter at all to someone else. Some words are sent skyward or into the universe in the form of prayer, and those words vary a great deal in what they mean to each of us. That is why freedom of speech, the press, and religion came first in the Bill of Rights in the Constitution. After "We the people" and all the articles dealing with money, taxes, Congress, etc. the founding fathers thought to add a few other bits concerning citizens and it seems to me that the main concern was how we get to express ourselves.

So, free speech, yes, that means we can falsely yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firehouse, right? No, it doesn't but honestly, free speech is pretty broad, and that is a good thing. Recently, there has been somewhat of a Christmas kerfuffle over the words to a few songs. Well, mostly one song in particular, "Baby It's Cold Outside." It's only ever played at this time of year, but it never mentions anything about Christmas. It was written by Jewish composer Frank Loesser as a duet for him and his wife to sing at a housewarming party when their guests were leaving. It was never meant as a holiday carol. I don't believe it was ever intended as anything but a flirty and fun song between two consenting adults, but, like everything wordy, the meaning varies depending on who's listening.

It wasn't the only piece of entertainment to be scrutinized this season. Critics went after my beloved Peanuts gang, alleging racism because in the Thanksgiving special Franklin, an African American child, is sitting all alone on one side of the table and he is given a beach chair while everyone else has a sturdier chair. I'm sorry if I'm missing something here, but all the chairs were mismatched because this gang of kids was playing around having a meal together before having to go off with their respective (and always unseen) parents for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. 


My brother and I used to drag assorted chairs out to our sidewalk, line them up, and play "bus driver.” All the other kids would hop on our bus while Larry, who always got to drive, hollered out the stops. I honestly can't remember which kid sat in what chair, but now I find myself hoping that no one had to sit alone (or G-d forbid in the back of the bus) in the chair that had a wonky leg. Truthfully, they all had loose legs or torn cushions because we kept schlepping them around the yard and the street. 


Reality check people: It's a cartoon special where a dog and his little bird friend cook a meal, could we not make it a thing? It's about friends who gather together and share a meal. Did you think that the tradition of "Friendsgiving" came from a sitcom in the 90s? No, you have Charles M. Schultz to thank for that.

Then Rudolph was in trouble. Because he was bullied. So was Hermey, the elf/dentist. So was the abominable snowman, who was only grumpy because he was in pain. Toys were referred to "misfits" because they were different. Bullying, name-calling, mocking of physical differences, oh the humanity! The story ended well though so can't we just appreciate that? Again, it's a show made up of wooden, puppet-like fictional characters (well, except for Santa, he's real) singing and making toys. This is not the stuff of serious social commentary. It's a kiddy show. Seriously? People are bent about these shows and songs, but no one was ever bothered by a group of kids who hung around a schoolyard every day with a creepy purple dinosaur telling them they were special? What about Family Guy? The Simpsons? It's reached a most ridiculous point, and, given the political climate today, that is saying something.

Are some shows, songs, and traditions from the past problematic in today's world? Definitely. Many have gone away, and as time goes on, we will get smarter and more aware.  As the saying goes "When you know better, you do better." However, we are not ever going to make any progress focusing on the small stuff, and honestly, much of what has come under fire this season is exactly that. Let's look at the big picture, which does not include Snoopy popping corn and making toast, elves that want to be dentists or a song about a snowstorm and a few drinks.

Words do mean things; sometimes they convey some very serious concepts, and when they do we should pay attention. If we are going to get stuck in the muck and mire of dissecting cartoons and silly songs, we won't ever get anywhere. Let Rudolph, Snoopy, Woodstock and the rest do their thing, and let's all do our thing, which hopefully includes time spent with loving family, friends and maybe even an elf or a popcorn popping dog. My words this season are simple and mean only this: "Peace be with you and yours in this season of joy and hope."

Pressure Cooker Parents

"The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day."

---Aaron Sorkin

Recently I was talking with some friends, and the topic of anxiety came up. An anxiety disorder is a real, medical, neurobiological condition, no question. It's one I wouldn't wish on anyone, it's crippling at times and not well understood. But there's also the regular run of the mill anxiety we all feel sometimes. Work deadlines, family pressure, stress and the like. What about that? I wish I knew, because then maybe I could help a few young friends of mine, but I don't have all the answers.

I have some questions though. Why is the rate of teen suicides up so much? It's horrifying. In the period between 2007 and 2015, the number of girls ages 15-19 who took their lives doubled. For boys, it went up 30%. We are losing too many precious kids to depression and anxiety issues.

Another question I have is: Why are so many teens so incredibly stressed out? Even some who are not harming themselves still suffer. Panic attacks, aggression, strained relationships with family, and risky behavior with drugs and alcohol are all hallmarks of stress. Remember when being 16 years old meant you hung out with friends, went to school, played a sport or joined the marching band and maybe on a Friday night you got to borrow your mom's car and go out with your friends? It's so not that simple anymore.

Where is this stress coming from? Some kids have diagnosed anxiety disorders, and my heart is with them and their families because it's incredibly hard dealing with that kind of illness. Some kids are just born high strung and put pressure on themselves over grades, SATs, college and so much else. Sometimes though, the pressure is coming from a parent. We've all seen those parents, and while I never like to assume I know everything by looking at someone, sometimes you can just tell. Haven't we all been at a game where a parent is screaming harsh criticism from the sidelines? Heck, I've been to a game where one parent punched another parent over a goal that was denied. This pressure cooker way of parenting is happening more than any of us realize, and our kids are at risk.

A friend told me that her husband (pardon me, now ex-husband) "required" their kids get As in every subject. I said, "What happens if they don't?" and her daughter spoke up at that point and said, "We were too scared to find out." Raise your hand if you think it's fine for a kid to get so freaked out over a B that they consider hurting themselves?  This dad isn't a one-off either, and it wasn't an issue of domestic violence, he never raised a hand to anyone, he just "laid down the law." There are a lot of parents just like him though. Ask any guidance counselor, principal or teacher how many kids they see that are about to burst from stress. You might be surprised.

How did some parents get this way? Another unanswerable question. They aren't all ogres, they aren't all looking to borrow Joan Crawford's wire hangers, but they're stressed too. They want the best for their children, but some of them have gotten it terribly wrong. Perhaps they've read too many books like "How to Prepare Your Pre-schooler for the Ivy League." Ok, that's not a real book (at least I hope not), but there are plenty of similar books. Maybe they've gotten caught up in some societal rat-race competition thing. I sure did a few times, thinking that my kid just had to take a particular class or stand out as a stellar athlete or they would be left behind, choking on the dust of failure and desperation. Do we all want the best for our kids? Yes. Is getting into an Ivy, or having the highest GPA in town or being an MVP worth their health, their sanity or their lives? No. I'm not making this up, there are kids dying over grades, over SATs, over social drama and while there could be hundreds of causes besides parenting, it's one of the few things we can control. It's got to stop. How do we make it stop?

I don't know any parent who doesn't love their children so much they'd walk through fire for them. Maybe before doing that, we parents could all take a long hard look at our kids, their strengths and weaknesses, their faults and fears, and remember that they are, for a little while yet, still children. Remember when they were babies, all pink and giggly? Somewhere under all the stress, the eye-rolls, and the sarcasm, we have to remember that they are still our babies and some of them are in a world of hurt. Surely we can fix that, right? I don't know about anyone else, but I'm with Sorkin on this one. If my kids come home at the end of the day, to me, that is everything and more.