Keep Your Hazmat Hands to Yourself

"The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia."

---Pinterest quote

OK, it's not really paranoia, it's rubbing alcohol. Except if you use the alcohol-free kind, then it's benzalkonium chloride (BZK). Science fact: That nasty puke bug that goes around every year? It's called norovirus and alcohol doesn't kill the germs that cause it. BZK does, and it won't make your hands look like ashy cinderblocks. It's flu season, and I am the farthest thing from a germaphobe there is, but this is war. As of the week ending February 3, 2018, the CDC reports that there have been 63 children who have died from influenza this season and we are only about 11 weeks into it. There are likely at least six more weeks before it abates. If you chose to get a flu shot, OK, fine, but don't think you're inside some kind of magic bubble. The vaccine is, at best, only about 30% effective and that number is probably high.

 

There hasn't been a flu season this bad in years, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight anytime soon. When my kids were little, I was the anti-sanitizer mom. I never carried sanitizer; I let them sit in the grocery cart without a cutesy germ harness all around them. They played in the mud, and they ate the Cheerio's that fell on the floor well after five seconds had passed. They were all extremely healthy too. My oldest never vomited until he was 6 and never had an ear infection or even a particularly bad cold. If I had little ones now? I would be off the chain with the wipes and the sprays and everything else. I'd probably be dragging around a gallon of Purell and considering hazmat suits.

That's overkill of course, but the other day, in the store, a friend of mine noticed the sample fruit slices, under the culinary version of the Cone of Shame, with the toothpicks next to them. Just as she was thinking of having one, another customer came along, stuck her bare hands under the dome, fished around for a slice, ate it and then stuck her hand BACK in for another go. My friend said she wanted to sound an alarm, like "Biohazard in Aisle 4, can we get the CDC over here to tent the fruit?" I've seen similar behavior, and it never bothered me before, but now, with this flu, I want to shake people and say, "You want a little adenovirus with your free grapes? Sure, go ahead stick your nasty paws in there and root around like a raccoon in a trash can. While you're at it, just sneeze all over the cheese counter, cough on the bakery samples, pick your nose at the check-out and finish up by licking your fingers to separate your cash when you pay."

We are at the epicenter of a wicked cold and flu season people. Just stop. For the love of all that is Holy and good, just think for a second. Do you want to be down for the count with a fever and a gooey cough, huddled in bed, praying for a happy death while your family seals your room off with a boat tarp and duct tape? Of course, you don't. Please, just keep your hands off the free fruit, no double dipping the chips, and if you're even sniffling a little, stay home. Almost anything can be delivered. Want some soup? Call me, I will bring it and leave it at your door, but do not inflict your boogery-business all over the rest of us.

It might sound harsh, and I don't mean to be so….witchy…but think of it as community service. Your neighbors might covet your new car or your spouse, but trust me, they don't want your germs. Right this second, as I'm writing this there are 32 days, 22 hours, 51 minutes and 47 seconds until Spring. Yes, it's just a date on the calendar, and Mother Nature doesn't always cooperate, but soon enough there will be warm days, ocean breezes and sunlight to disinfect this winter of our dysentery…I mean discontent. Keep your hands to yourself and wash them once in a while too. If you do get sick and need something at the store, call me, I'll go for you. I'll walk your dog, pick up your kid and bring you trashy magazines too because people have done that for me and it was a godsend. Be well and if you're not? Be home.