STAYING SANE IN CORONA TIMES

“The simple fact is that each day you have a choice. You can be a germ and infect people with your negative energy, or you can be a big dose of vitamin C and infuse them with your positive energy.”

---Jon Gordon, author “The Positive Dog”

As I’m writing this, I half expect to look out my window and see Negan walking by with his barbed wire bat, because it seems like we’re all trapped in a bad episode of “The Walking Dead.” Now, full disclosure, I am not a scientist or a medical professional. I barely passed high school chemistry, and I have no idea what RNA, cell apoptosis, and virology have to do with the price of toilet paper at Market Basket. Still, if someone as unscientific as me can understand the basics of what is now a pandemic, then it shouldn’t be that hard, right? Whether you think it’s a big fat hoax or the end of days doesn’t matter. We’re all going to just have to wait and see. Here are a few tips to help you through COVID-19 without becoming a zombie snack.

• Wash your hands. It’s basic hygiene, and there shouldn’t have to be a global pandemic to get people to do it. Weren’t we already washing our hands regularly? Please tell me we haven’t all been wandering around dragging our snoogery boogery fingers all over every available surface? The stakes are a little higher now, so we need the reminders. However, there is no need to go to the store and buy 5 cases of water, 400 rolls of toilet paper, and every jug of hand sanitizer on the shelf, so you can stack it up in your garage. You’re not making yourself any safer, you just look silly. Cut it out.

• Stay home if you can. Schools have closed, some universities are extending spring breaks, and workplaces have encouraged anyone who can, to work from home. Is this an overreaction to something that is essentially a mild flu-like illness? We don’t know yet, so why not take a little time off from some of the needless running about and just stay in? Don't go full-on Bubble Boy about it, but when was the last time the whole family stayed in? Get out the board games, binge watch Netflix, make popcorn, bake cookies or just hang out. My plan is to get some closets and dressers organized…OK, that’s a lie, I have no plans to do that. I won’t be hitting up the mall or the movie theater though; I’m settling in with some Jiffy Pop and my DVD collection. 

• Check on your neighbors. Not everyone can run to BJ’s or Costco and bring home a Suburban full of granola bars and canned soup. COVID-19 is especially dangerous for the elderly or those with chronic illnesses like asthma and COPD. Look around; there is likely someone nearby that needs a pot of stew or a pan of lasagna on their doorstep. Call your friends that live alone, chat them up. You know that big square electronic thing most of us have shoved in a pocket? It can make phone calls, so reach out and touch someone, just not with your germy hands. 

• Calm the heck down. About everything. Yes, it stinks that your spring break trip is canceled, your preschoolers are home all day, and your job is a mess from trying to reschedule business trips, but did you die? If you’re reading this, no you didn’t, and I’m glad. You should be glad too. It’s a huge cluster “duck” right now in the public health arena, and everyone is impacted in some way. And so it goes. Freaking out never solves anything, so chill, if you can. There’s no need to get all bent out of shape unless Netflix goes offline, or we lose power. If that happens, I’m reaching for my bat. In the meantime, try to be as positive as you can. Be well, be nice, and be safe. 

Keep Your Hazmat Hands to Yourself

"The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia."

---Pinterest quote

OK, it's not really paranoia, it's rubbing alcohol. Except if you use the alcohol-free kind, then it's benzalkonium chloride (BZK). Science fact: That nasty puke bug that goes around every year? It's called norovirus and alcohol doesn't kill the germs that cause it. BZK does, and it won't make your hands look like ashy cinderblocks. It's flu season, and I am the farthest thing from a germaphobe there is, but this is war. As of the week ending February 3, 2018, the CDC reports that there have been 63 children who have died from influenza this season and we are only about 11 weeks into it. There are likely at least six more weeks before it abates. If you chose to get a flu shot, OK, fine, but don't think you're inside some kind of magic bubble. The vaccine is, at best, only about 30% effective and that number is probably high.

 

There hasn't been a flu season this bad in years, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight anytime soon. When my kids were little, I was the anti-sanitizer mom. I never carried sanitizer; I let them sit in the grocery cart without a cutesy germ harness all around them. They played in the mud, and they ate the Cheerio's that fell on the floor well after five seconds had passed. They were all extremely healthy too. My oldest never vomited until he was 6 and never had an ear infection or even a particularly bad cold. If I had little ones now? I would be off the chain with the wipes and the sprays and everything else. I'd probably be dragging around a gallon of Purell and considering hazmat suits.

That's overkill of course, but the other day, in the store, a friend of mine noticed the sample fruit slices, under the culinary version of the Cone of Shame, with the toothpicks next to them. Just as she was thinking of having one, another customer came along, stuck her bare hands under the dome, fished around for a slice, ate it and then stuck her hand BACK in for another go. My friend said she wanted to sound an alarm, like "Biohazard in Aisle 4, can we get the CDC over here to tent the fruit?" I've seen similar behavior, and it never bothered me before, but now, with this flu, I want to shake people and say, "You want a little adenovirus with your free grapes? Sure, go ahead stick your nasty paws in there and root around like a raccoon in a trash can. While you're at it, just sneeze all over the cheese counter, cough on the bakery samples, pick your nose at the check-out and finish up by licking your fingers to separate your cash when you pay."

We are at the epicenter of a wicked cold and flu season people. Just stop. For the love of all that is Holy and good, just think for a second. Do you want to be down for the count with a fever and a gooey cough, huddled in bed, praying for a happy death while your family seals your room off with a boat tarp and duct tape? Of course, you don't. Please, just keep your hands off the free fruit, no double dipping the chips, and if you're even sniffling a little, stay home. Almost anything can be delivered. Want some soup? Call me, I will bring it and leave it at your door, but do not inflict your boogery-business all over the rest of us.

It might sound harsh, and I don't mean to be so….witchy…but think of it as community service. Your neighbors might covet your new car or your spouse, but trust me, they don't want your germs. Right this second, as I'm writing this there are 32 days, 22 hours, 51 minutes and 47 seconds until Spring. Yes, it's just a date on the calendar, and Mother Nature doesn't always cooperate, but soon enough there will be warm days, ocean breezes and sunlight to disinfect this winter of our dysentery…I mean discontent. Keep your hands to yourself and wash them once in a while too. If you do get sick and need something at the store, call me, I'll go for you. I'll walk your dog, pick up your kid and bring you trashy magazines too because people have done that for me and it was a godsend. Be well and if you're not? Be home.