But Wait! There's More!

“Life’s a pitch and then you buy.”

----Billy Mays

We’ve all seen those ads on late night television. There’s a product that someone is screaming about, urging you to call immediately and get yours because “Operators are standing by.” When I was little I always felt bad for the operators having to stand around waiting for a call in the middle of the night like some retail army waiting for orders. Most of the products advertised in these infomercials are really, well, kind of useless. This column featured the topic of useless talents awhile back and while I will always believe being able to play the William Tell Overture on your snapping fingers is far from useless, the fact remains that some of these “As Seen on TV” products are pretty ridiculous.

What I can’t understand however is why they sell so well.  Much of the success has to lie in the advertising. Most of the ads run late at night, and most people who are awake at those hours and are watching television are probably already susceptible to a pitch. A few years ago I was awake one night, with a hellish cold and a colicky child both of which together had me within spitting distance of a full on meltdown.

So, I switched on the television to drown out the screeching and the sniffling, which at one point, were both coming from me. There in the blue haze of the wee small hours, when all I wanted to do was believe in something bigger than myself was just what I needed---a fat magnet. No word of it a lie, I was dialing furiously because those operators were standing by, ready! I realize now that fat is not magnetic and this stupid thing that I was supposed to stick in my stewpot wasn’t going to help. Not to mention whenever these ads show someone trying to prepare dinner or have a snack without the miracle product, the actors would have you believe frying an egg without a space age non stick pan is a deadly accident waiting to happen and getting yourself a snack is impossible without an Ov-Glove, a Snack-eez cup and a Snuggie blanket with sleeves.

So fine, the ads suck us in, it happens. These products though, almost never work the way they say they do. Case in point, that spray on hair in a can from Ronco. Guys, listen up. If you’re losing your hair, go commando and shave it all off. Bald is beautiful! Do not buy a can of paint and spray it on your noggin, you are fooling no one.  Girls, you all are guilty too. Do you really believe that a facemask with some Christmas lights on it is going to make you look as young as Krystle from Dynasty? Dynasty was a long time ago; we all age (if we’re lucky) so put down the hockey mask and just wear big sunglasses.  Most of these products are so awful, and yet, sell like hotcakes. Also, there’s a hotcake maker that sells like…well never mind.

Thinking perhaps that I was just being a cynical cranky person, I checked with some friends and they are with me on this. We couldn’t think up a single product that was actually worth getting. But wait…there’s more! Pajama jeans? Really? Why are these a thing? Check out the aisles of the grocery store, plenty of people are wandering around in real pajamas, no need to get pajama jeans. Any gadget that makes only one thing is also pretty silly. For example, a friend sent me a link to a “Retro Pop Up Hot Dog Maker.” Now you can have hot dogs that pop up like toast. Excuse me; if you want to go “retro” to cook a hot dog get a stick and some firewood. Once you have the fire going you won’t need the S’Mores maker either ($29.95 plus S/H, not sold in stores) and you can use the same stick for the marshmallows.

Many of you are cooking big meals today. Potatoes have to be peeled and mashed, birds must be basted and vegetables chopped, but the gadgets aren’t what will make your day. Slicing and dicing, mincing and mashing, crying and drinking (OK that might just be me) to get all that food on your table isn’t nearly as important as who is at your table. Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy the day.