The Confusion Party

"Those of us who don't have a party affiliation ought to be able to register under the heading ‘Confused.'"

----Andy Rooney

Who isn't confused in today's political circus? There's not enough room in this whole paper for me to figure it out and explain it though, and honestly, almost anyone could likely do a much better job than I would. There is no shortage of confusion on other matters, and it seems it's not just me. There are habits, objects, and behaviors going on around us everywhere and lots of people are confused. Here are a few concepts that don't make a whole lot of sense to me and lots of others too.

Snapchat: Clearly, I am well past the age group this app was meant for, and that's OK. It's just frustrating that I am educated, well-read, and social media savvy (sort of), and it just seems like a whole bunch of dog noses and stories. We Irish understand the art of a finely told story; it's our birthright. We don't need an iPhone and filters to do it well. Filters are something no Irish man or woman should ever have. What's with the flower wreaths and dog noses? Why does everyone's face look like a Maaco auto body tech went at it with an airbrush? Also, what the heck is a streak? I remember the 1970s, and I don't think that word means what the snappy chatters think it does.

Bitcoin: I know what the word refers to, but my understanding stops there. When I asked around, no one could tell me much more than it's a virtual currency that is bought and sold on the dark web. Oh, well, fine then, how much simpler could it be? Seriously, I know people who can't balance their checkbook, but want to get into Bitcoin investing. Does no one understand that, as it relates to computers and the Web, the definition of virtual is, "Not physically existing as such, but made by software to appear to do so." Awesome. Think that would work with the next check I write for the credit card bill? As long as I let Amex know that the money only "appears" to exist based on the check I wrote, then it's okay for me to embrace the future like this, right?

DNA: Everyone has it, and everyone's is different. Like a fingerprint of your genes. That is literally my entire understanding of it. Also, I'm not entirely clear on what a gene is, like what does it look like? Are they tiny round balls like in the ladder models? I was a science journalist, and I wrote about DNA and genes and the brain, and I was coherent, but still, some of it eludes me. Scientists can turn genes on and off with little pulses of light, like some biological Clapper. No wonder they go to school for twenty years; this is complicated. Also, I'm never using a laser pointer again, in case I accidentally mutate something.

Challenges: The Tide Pod challenge, the cinnamon challenge, the Birdbox challenge, the 48-hour challenge and the rest. Yes, let's take a group of people who don't have fully formed executive function yet and encourage them, via YouTube, to eat soap and drive blindfolded. No way that goes badly, right? G'head leap out of your moving car and dance to some song, just sign an organ donor card first, mmmkay? How about a challenge where some teen isn't required to go on a crime spree or set themselves on fire? Here's my challenge: Read a book!

Football: It's not just because I'm a girl, pardon me, woman. Lots of women understand football. My confusion over the game exists on several levels. The rules, of course, the strategy, why the pants are so tight, but mostly why thousands of people sit in below zero temperatures and blizzards to watch it live from a stadium the size of the International Space Station. I still love our Patriots, Super Bowl parties, chicken wings, and rooting for ‘Bama during the college season, but otherwise, I'm in the dark over it.

This isn't a complete list of the confusion that surrounds me; that would take forever to compile. Perhaps now that I know some of what I don't know, I can figure out how to know it? Sure, that's going to happen (Ooh, sarcasm, now that I fully understand.)  If anyone wants to explain any of this to me, have at it, in the meantime, it's a good thing I have kids that are smart enough to understand most of these things and so much else. Devin! Come explain the difference between "basic" and "extra" to Mom, OK?