The Rules

“There are two great rules of life: Never tell everything all at once.”

---Ken Venturi

I like to think I’m a “rules” girl because rules are necessary and most of them exist for good reasons. There are a few that are silly, and I do occasionally break those. The tags on mattresses and pillows? I was yanking those off long before the manufacturers clarified it and said the consumer could take them off. No throw pillow is going to be the boss of me. It wasn’t always this way though; the preschool my mother sent me to kicked me out after two days. The reason? “Gross insubordination.” I objected to just about everything the teachers did and I wasn’t shy about saying so. No one who knows me is surprised by this.

Lately though, there are some concepts and behaviors that should be rules, but are not on the books anywhere. In my cabinet there are two coffee mugs that are strictly mine;  no one but me is allowed to use them. One says “Queen of the #$&* Universe” and the other reads, “She who must be obeyed.” Also, I own a tiara, so just for kicks, I’m taking the throne and making a few rules. Maybe they aren’t real rules, and it’s not like I can do anything if they aren’t followed, but hear me out, they’d make a big difference.

   1)    If you push the button to get the light to change so you can cross the street, make sure you wait for the light to change. Do not push the button and then saunter across the street because there’s a break in traffic. That leaves cars having to stop for no reason. It’s a little thing, but how about we try it? It’s called follow through people, doing what you committed to do. Full disclosure, this is a me thing, a pet peeve, but if I could it would be strictly enforced.

2)    Be quiet in the library. It’s not Starbucks, it’s not the food court at the mall, it is a library. Don’t hold meetings right where people are working. Don’t walk around yapping out loud on your phone. Don’t snog a whole bag of chips and suck down two Diet Cokes. It’s not a picnic area. There are actually signs about this all over most libraries, so, it’s a rule, legit and everything. Call me cranky, but more people need to come out of their bubble of oblivion and remember where they are. Please. Thank you.

   3)    Wait your turn. Everywhere. The line at the dry cleaners, a parking lot, the deli counter etc. These are places that we, in polite society, take turns accessing. You are not special just because you’re in a hurry. Your time is not more valuable than anyone else’s. Exceptions to this are cops or firefighters on their way to a call or an emergency. They get to go first, always and everywhere, but you know, none of them are shoving their way to the front of Java Sun before hopping on the truck. The rest of you can just keep your hair on and take a number.

   4)    Don’t park like a jerk. No taking up two spaces so your car won’t get dinged. No fake handicapped placards, no sticking two feet out into the street. The sign with the words, “No Parking” on it is not a work of fiction. It’s real.  No, you won’t be “just a minute” and yes, it does matter.

  5)    Give everyone a break now and then. Yes, this has been quite a litany of grumpy complaints. Maybe it’s because Spring hasn’t yet fully sprung that I’m feeling so bossy and out of sorts, but it’s really starting to seem like everyone is just on some kind of mission to do whatever they want, regardless of the impact on anyone else. Can we not be that way? Can we maybe just give each other a little room, a little courtesy, a little leeway? Maybe then we wouldn’t need these nitpicky rules?

Normally this column is a positive space and it’s disappointing that it’s not that way this week, but maybe now that this is all out there, everyone will start to obey me. Right. Not so much, and that’s fine, but let’s all be reminded that sometimes, following a few rules makes life easier. If you must be an outlaw, start with the stupid laws, like the one that says it’s illegal to bring a hospital patient a beer. That is just wrong.