GETTING TO 'NO' YOU

"It's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.''

----Steve Jobs

Just say no. Wasn't that a campaign to keep kids off drugs, back in the 1980s? Given the opioid epidemic, it doesn't seem to have worked, because, well, drug use is complicated and if just saying no was the way to fix it, we wouldn't have the overdose and addiction issues we see every day in the paper, would we?

 

Saying no is powerful, however. A colleague reminded me of this recently and suggested I write about it, and until he mentioned it, it had never occurred to me. So, I asked around, and a lot of my friends have a hard time saying no. When it comes to my friends and family, my rule is that if someone asks me to do something, my default answer is always, "Sure, if I can, no problem." I don't need a reason to say yes; if you are part of my family or a close friend, and you need something, I am there. A ride to the airport, a school pick up, a notary stamp, I am your girl. Because helping people I care about is easy.

 

Naturally, there are times when the answer has to be no, but again, I need a reason to refuse. Obviously, if someone asks me to do something and there is no way I can, then I have to say no, but then the Irish guilt kicks in. I start thinking about rearranging my schedule, shifting appointments and making time to do whatever has been asked of me. There are, however, some occasions when "No" is the right answer, I simply hate having to be the one to give it. I worry that I'm not a good friend or a good employee if I don't accommodate every request.

Still, there have to be some boundaries, right? We can't do everything we'd like, we can't be everywhere we want to be, and sometimes, no is the correct answer. My mother had a great way to get around this debacle. If someone asked her to do something and she didn't want to, or couldn't, she would say "Oh, I can't help you, I have plans." I heard her say this to a friend once and I knew she didn't have anything planned. I screeched, "MA! Jeez, that's a lie, you don't have any plans!" Her reply? "I most certainly do. I have plans not to drive her arse around. I did not lie. My plans are sitting home and not listening to her tell me to slow down when I'm only going 25 MPH." There was more, it was a whole rant, but basically, my mother felt that it was OK to say no. Sometimes the reason was, "I don't want to do that" but she would soften the blow by saying she had "plans." It was almost always followed by her saying, sotto voce, "Plans not to do that." She was never one to lie.

There is a career/business related book that's called "Getting to Yes" about negotiating what you want. I think there should be a similar book about getting to "No." It's hard to turn someone down; I believe we all want to help out when we can. It's the guilt though; it gets in the way. I think it starts when you become a parent. All of a sudden there is a tiny baby that needs everything, and it's your job to provide it. No is something children have to learn though, and it can be a battle. Some parents are explainers, and they give long diatribes about why their kids can't have or do something. Not me. "Because I said so" is a perfectly appropriate response in my world and I've said it more than a few times. At one point, I stole the alphabet blocks that had the "N" and the "O" on them out of the toy bin and would hold them up as soon as I heard the whining begin.

A very wise friend said to me "No doesn't need a reason. You can just say the word." This is true, but then another friend said, "There is a movement out there called ‘refusing the no,' and it involves saying yes to everything." Honestly, my head would explode. We are all busy, and there's no question that if someone I care about really needed me, I would be there, no matter what. No isn't something I say very often, but it's good to be able to. We just cannot do everything that is asked of us. Nor should we.

On Your Best Behavior

"1st: Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present."

---George Washington--Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation

Full disclosure, I'm cranky. A friend of mine, who has a wonderful way with words, would say I have a "goat in my garden" which means my panties are in a wad. She's from the South though and expresses herself in a much more polite and civilized way than I usually can. It's true though, I'm pretty bent about some public behavior I have witnessed lately, locally and nationally, and while George Washington lived in an entirely different time than we are all living in now, he had a pretty good point about respect. There are just some actions that should not be accepted in polite society. This was true in the 1700s, and it's true now. Here are a few examples, and, for the record, they all happened. It would be nice if they were made up, but no, these moments are, more often than not, the reality of daily life.

Cell Phone Use: Sure, George Washington could not have imagined cell phones. But it doesn't take a clairvoyant colonial politician to know that a space like a doctor's waiting room, a coffee shop or even the grocery store is not where a loud, and intensely personal conversation, should take place. No one wants to hear someone shouting into their iPhone about their mortgage, their latest lab results or anything else. I was recently browsing in Marshall's where a woman was wandering around the housewares department talking about her history of UTIs and her doctor's opinion on her dog sleeping in the bed with her being a possible cause. No. Sweet Mother of Abraham, no. This is not information anyone not intimately involved with this loud mouth needs to know. Just stop. Holy privacy, Batman. We all need to make a call now and then, but this is why they have hallways and cars. No more speakerphone calls in public spaces. No one wants to know that much about your life.

Personal hygiene: Another area of concern. Flossing is essential for healthy gums. Keeping your nails free of dirt is a good idea. Everyone enjoys an unstuffed nose. There are, however, many ways to accomplish these goals, but whipping out a roll of waxed thread and going all dental diva in the Starbucks line is just gross. Don't put any of your fingers in any of your airways unless you are entirely alone. Clipping your nails, with cuticles flying, is something best accomplished at home, and not at the RMV. I know it's a long wait, but bring a book for cripes sake.

Use your indoor voice: Most people are not hard of hearing, thankfully. So there is no reason to shout. This is one I struggle with because I'm Irish and I was raised around people who didn't fully understand how to be quiet. My daughter tells me all the time, "Hush! OMG, stop yelling." She has a point. Google "The Irish Whisper" it's a thing. If someone is standing within arm's length, you don't have to raise your voice, they can hear you.

These might seem like petty complaints, given the events of late. People were gunned down recently, in a house of G-d. A local teenager passed away after a brave battle with cancer. Who cares what George Washington thought about etiquette, right? Well, sure. Then again, when there is heartache all around us, when the evening news is all death and destruction, isn't taking a moment to consider how our actions might impact others a good idea? It's unlikely that refraining from picking your nose or flossing in public will do much good, politically or otherwise, but try anyway. For the comfort level of those around you, put down the Kleenex, the nail clippers and the cell phone. Maybe strike up a conversation with those around you, who knows, you might make a friend and friendship is something everyone needs these days.

Noticing the Niceties

"Being nice takes work. That's why I really like people who are nice."

---Casey Neistat

"Be nice!" It seems like I have been telling my children that since day one. I'm still yapping at them about it, and two of them are grown. There are more than a few adults that need to be told this, but sadly most of them don't listen to me. Be nice. It sounds simple, but lately, I have found that it isn't easy at all. For me, that makes it's even more vital.

Let's take a look around at the world we live in. The stock market, the last time I was brave enough to look, was in some kind of downward "correction" which I think is financial lingo for "Boy, are you screwed." Bombs were sent to half a dozen or so politicians and other well-known politically active people. There's an election coming up that half of my friends think will "set things straight" while the other half thinks it will result in civil war. For once I'm not the only person who is one breaking news update away from hiding under the bed with a bottle of Jameson; a lot of my friends are on edge, and it does make it harder to remember to be nice.

Inside the confines of my own car, I have the vocabulary of a well-educated sailor. I try to curb it when there are children with me, but thankfully that isn't often. Traffic is the place where it's hardest for me to be nice, or even remotely civil, lately. I don't drive aggressively; I don't go too fast, I stop for lights and crosswalks and turkeys, not because it's about being nice, but because my insurance is high enough, already. I do, however, talk to myself in an expletive-laced commentary on the…tomfoolery…I see on the roads. Full disclosure, I've never used the word tomfoolery, but let's go with it here. I do find myself creeping up at intersections and not letting people in though. Or zipping through a yellow light a nanosecond before it goes red, to get ahead of the cars that are waiting on the other side. Just the other day I squealed tires in a backward move to snag a parking space just as another vehicle gave a signal. In my defense, it was Salem, and it's October, but still, the whole "be nice" mojo was just not happening and it made me stop and think.

Look, there's a lot going on, in the world, but in our own lives too. Being nice is getting harder every day. That's why I think a fair number of people have given up on it. There's nowhere near enough mental bandwidth to handle the task for some. I wish I knew how to fix that. What I do know though, is that being nice has to be noticed a little more. While it's true that virtue is its own reward, I know that I'm going to need a little something more and so do a lot of people. Supposedly, when we do something out of kindness, there should be no expectation of any reward or benefit. People who ring up your groceries, cut your lawn or deliver your mail get "thanked" with a paycheck, right? Sure, most of us mumble a few words in reply to the automatic "Thank you for shopping with us," but maybe there could be more. Toss in some eye contact. Every store I go in, the employees have name tags. How about saying, "Thanks, Cheryl, you have a good day too." It's the littlest thing, but I think it goes a long way.

Would it kill any of us to notice more of what's going on around us? We should see the effort it takes to do a challenging job, every day, and still be pleasant. Don't wait until it's Letter Carrier Appreciation Day to tell your mail carrier "Thank you."  Yes, it's their job, whether anyone notices it or not, but save the date: Thank a Mail Carrier Day is February 4th. There is also National Postal Worker Day, on July 1st. 





There are a ton of other days too, that honor other professions, and of course days like Mother's Day and Father's Day, etc. Maybe being nice is hard because it's not noticed, or even expected, so people just give up? I don't know a single person who isn't pretty close to capacity just managing their life, job, family, and home, and most of them are still nice. It's hard work. We should start acknowledging that with more than a paycheck, or a 15% tip. Payment covers a task; when someone does their job and is nice about it too? Say something about the effort that takes. We are all working pretty hard at keeping it together, a sincere "well done!" would go a long way. Oh, and thanks for reading, hardly anyone has time for that anymore, and it means a lot to me.