GETTING TO 'NO' YOU

"It's only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.''

----Steve Jobs

Just say no. Wasn't that a campaign to keep kids off drugs, back in the 1980s? Given the opioid epidemic, it doesn't seem to have worked, because, well, drug use is complicated and if just saying no was the way to fix it, we wouldn't have the overdose and addiction issues we see every day in the paper, would we?

 

Saying no is powerful, however. A colleague reminded me of this recently and suggested I write about it, and until he mentioned it, it had never occurred to me. So, I asked around, and a lot of my friends have a hard time saying no. When it comes to my friends and family, my rule is that if someone asks me to do something, my default answer is always, "Sure, if I can, no problem." I don't need a reason to say yes; if you are part of my family or a close friend, and you need something, I am there. A ride to the airport, a school pick up, a notary stamp, I am your girl. Because helping people I care about is easy.

 

Naturally, there are times when the answer has to be no, but again, I need a reason to refuse. Obviously, if someone asks me to do something and there is no way I can, then I have to say no, but then the Irish guilt kicks in. I start thinking about rearranging my schedule, shifting appointments and making time to do whatever has been asked of me. There are, however, some occasions when "No" is the right answer, I simply hate having to be the one to give it. I worry that I'm not a good friend or a good employee if I don't accommodate every request.

Still, there have to be some boundaries, right? We can't do everything we'd like, we can't be everywhere we want to be, and sometimes, no is the correct answer. My mother had a great way to get around this debacle. If someone asked her to do something and she didn't want to, or couldn't, she would say "Oh, I can't help you, I have plans." I heard her say this to a friend once and I knew she didn't have anything planned. I screeched, "MA! Jeez, that's a lie, you don't have any plans!" Her reply? "I most certainly do. I have plans not to drive her arse around. I did not lie. My plans are sitting home and not listening to her tell me to slow down when I'm only going 25 MPH." There was more, it was a whole rant, but basically, my mother felt that it was OK to say no. Sometimes the reason was, "I don't want to do that" but she would soften the blow by saying she had "plans." It was almost always followed by her saying, sotto voce, "Plans not to do that." She was never one to lie.

There is a career/business related book that's called "Getting to Yes" about negotiating what you want. I think there should be a similar book about getting to "No." It's hard to turn someone down; I believe we all want to help out when we can. It's the guilt though; it gets in the way. I think it starts when you become a parent. All of a sudden there is a tiny baby that needs everything, and it's your job to provide it. No is something children have to learn though, and it can be a battle. Some parents are explainers, and they give long diatribes about why their kids can't have or do something. Not me. "Because I said so" is a perfectly appropriate response in my world and I've said it more than a few times. At one point, I stole the alphabet blocks that had the "N" and the "O" on them out of the toy bin and would hold them up as soon as I heard the whining begin.

A very wise friend said to me "No doesn't need a reason. You can just say the word." This is true, but then another friend said, "There is a movement out there called ‘refusing the no,' and it involves saying yes to everything." Honestly, my head would explode. We are all busy, and there's no question that if someone I care about really needed me, I would be there, no matter what. No isn't something I say very often, but it's good to be able to. We just cannot do everything that is asked of us. Nor should we.