The F Word

"If you want to conquer fear, don't sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."

---Dale Carnegie

Fear is a mighty powerful emotion. It can make us act, but it can paralyze us as well. I'm not talking about the average everyday worries. Some people don't like to fly; others hate the dentist. I happen to love flying, for the most part, and my dentist is fantastic, but I say three Hail Marys on every flight I take, one before I get on, one at take-off and one when we land. Dr. Dara is terrific, but I still have to sit in my car for 10 minutes and psych myself up to go in every time I have an appointment. That's pretty normal, from what I've seen. It's the big stuff that's a problem. Illness. Financial ruin. Job loss. The death of a loved one, G-d forbid a child. Being scared is part of life, and we have to face our fears, or we'd never leave the house, right?

I write this column on Thursday nights since my deadline is Friday. As I sit here tonight, I'm hearing from neighbors about an accident near the end of my street. Alleged drunk driving. Who knows if that's really what happened, that is for law enforcement to decide. What terrifies me is that one of the cars involved was driven by a young woman, still a teen, out for a ride with friends and, allegedly, hit by a car who blew a stop sign. Again, that will all be sorted out through proper legal channels, as it should be. The facts will come to light, and everyone's rights and responsibilities will be handled.

However, for me, it's a knee-jerk response of fear and what ifs. I have kids in that age range, one is a new driver herself, as in just two weeks ago. I try not to be THAT mother. The smother mother, the one that won't let her kids out of her sight, the mom who spends years hovering like a Sikorsky over the sandbox and the classroom and prom night, etc. I want my kids to be independent and have adventures and good times and fun memories. What isn't part of that scenario is getting a phone call from one child, who heard about the accident, but was calmly asking me, "Are you guys home? Is Devin out? Are you all OK?" We all were, thankfully, and note to self, I guess I did an OK job raising a kid who cared enough to call and check in, but Holy Mary the Mother Blessed and Joseph the carpenter too, it's rattling, to say the least.

Fear is sometimes a knee-jerk response; it's hardwired in the brain. I've written dozens of science articles on exactly what happens and how, and yet, when I hear that a young person was scared and possibly hurt, because one minute she's out for a drive with friends and then next minute there's crumpled metal and broken glass around her, science isn't relevant. Fear creeps in, the what ifs take over and as a parent, I imagine that somewhere, another parent is getting a phone call that will scare the daylights out of them. Thankfully, that's a call that's never come to my home, but never say never, right?

When I was in high school, a good friend was crossing the street and was hit and killed by a drunk driver. One minute she was an average 16-year-old kid, laughing with friends, the next she was gone. I won't ever forget the look on her mom's face at the funeral. Yes, it's irrational. Yes, I wanted to take a shovel to the head of the person who hit her.  I still do. Who knows if this accident tonight was alcohol-related, I sure don't know that, but that's not the point. The point is that everything we hold dear can change in an instant. How the heck do we, as parents, as friends, as a community, deal with that? Boy, I sure don't know. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't be wide awake right now, looking at baby pictures of my kids. Overkill, yes, for sure, but there you have it.

"Let's be careful out there" was a favorite line from Hill Street Blues, a cop show I watched with my dad, for years. He would say that to me every time I left the house, and mostly my eyes would roll so hard, I could see my brain. I get it now. The fear we feel as parents is likely never going away and I'm betting my dad knew that and also knew that telling me to be careful was no guarantee of anything. There's only so much we can do, as parents, but we have to keep doing it anyway. We are out there, being busy and trying our best. It's all there is, right?