Snarky is as snarky does

"Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile

------Mahmoud Darwish

My mother said to me, more times than I can count, "You think you're so smart, with the wisecracks, just you wait and see." OK, Ma, I'm still waiting, what is it I'm supposed to see? She said that so often I was convinced that something monumental was going to happen.  I was really hoping it was going to be a magical unicorn or maybe Pierce Brosnan would finally realize we were meant for each other. She was right about the wisecracks though. 

(Pierce, kissing someone who isn't me)

Truly, I'm pretty sure I need one of those six-second delay features they have on some radio stations. It's completely organic; sometimes there is just no way to keep what's inside my head from coming out in a storm of snappy comebacks. English isn't my first language, sarcasm is and it's been that way my whole life. The Girl Scouts said I was rude, and they were right because when the leader asked me why I hadn't sold very many boxes of cookies, my answer was truthful, but perhaps not very polite. "I didn't sell very many because you can get a box of Oreos that's twice as big and costs half as much, who's going to be stupid enough to want Trefoils when they could have Oreos?" I didn't last long as a Girl Scout, shocking, huh?

Now that I'm an adult, it could be said that I've mellowed and left the sarcasm behind.  Whoever says that is lying; it's not even remotely true. I have tried, very hard, to at least not be rude (mostly) but the wisecracks are still coming. For me, these little gems are like the valves on a pressure cooker; they have to work or the whole thing explodes. There's a school of thought that says before we speak, we should ask ourselves if what we are about to say is true, kind, and necessary. Well, I don't lie, mostly because I'm very bad at it. Kindness matters to me a great deal, but no one is perfect, and sometimes I'm not very nice. Necessary? This is where you lose me. If every word ever spoken by me had to meet all three of those criteria, I'd barely talk at all and this column would be empty. There are probably more than a few people that think that would be a good thing, but they can kiss my…ok, never mind, this is a family paper.

Snarky is one of those words that sounds exactly like what it means and this is true of me as well. What you see, is what you get. So, while it will not come as a galloping shock to anyone who knows me, I'm snarky and that's never going to change. Why? Because, especially lately, there's been some serious crap hitting the fan, in my life, but more importantly the world around me. Without getting political, let's just say that between newscasts full of over-entitled behavior by those who should know better, and people who seemed to have everything but were in so much pain they literally checked out of life, I've had it. It's just so overwhelming sometimes. Blowing off a little steam by hoisting my snark flag high and letting it fly is just about the only way I'm going to get through a tough day without winding up in an orange jumpsuit. There's only so much badminton I can play, there are only so many birds I can whack the crap out of before my arm falls off. It's the same with this crazy world we're living in, my patience (which has never been something I'm known for) is wearing thin. I'm talking back to the television way too much and guess what? No one that's on it is listening to me. If I toss a few snotty remarks around now and then, well, at least my friends and family know it's just me being me. They are also the first ones to call me out when that line we shouldn't cross comes up behind me.

There's a lot going on now, and so much of it heart-wrenching and sad and phenomenally atrocious. If I'm rolling my eyes because the person in front of me at the grocery store is playing some complicated game of Tetris with her produce on the conveyor belt and then has to unfold her reusable bags from the origami animals she'd made them into because she saw it on Pinterest, you can bet it's because I'm trying to ignore the news on some of the magazine covers. I'm also going to think to myself, "If this chick pulls out a checkbook to pay, I'm going to bounce a can of Spaghetti-Os right off her skull."  My challenge is to not actually say it in my out loud voice. No promises though. It's tough out there, I'm doing the best I can.