Artificial Intelligence In The Modern Kitchen

"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"--Unknown

I am a science journalist when I'm not annoying the hometown readers here, and my main topic is neuroscience. Artificial intelligence (AI) is real. There's a lot of math involved, and thankfully, I don't know have to understand all of it, but algorithms and machine learning are part of a lot of new research on brain cancer, Alzheimer's disease, autism and so much more. It's necessary for science, medical research, the space program but I'm not sure if my appliances really need it. I'm shopping around for a new microwave since mine is about to bite the dust. Perhaps they will have some after Christmas sales, and I can save some Kitchen Aid or GE nuker from being sent to the Island of Misfit Microwaves

Believe it or not, AI is the new thing for the kitchen of the future. Much like the web connected thermostats and the Alexa Wi-Fi assistants, the technology for kitchen appliances is right up there with the Jane Jetson Food-a-Rac-a-Cycle. While I would never have an Alexa (Echo, Dot, whatever) in my home because it creeps me out to think there's a live mic just waiting to use speech recognition to decipher everything it hears, some high tech in the kitchen is necessary. Cooking has never been my strong suit. It's considered a win if a meal is produced with no bloodshed, no broken glass or bones, and the fire department is not summoned.

The latest microwaves have "sensor technology" that was developed with AI. At least that's what the salesperson said; I wasn't paying that much attention to the details. My concerns were "Does it cook stuff?" and "Will you deliver it?". The microwave we chose has a popcorn button, and a potato button, both of which have little pictures on them of popcorn and potatoes, so users don't confuse them with the button makes the light go on. That one has a bulb on it. There's even a button with a little cup on it. I'm going to guess that's for making coffee or tea, but I should probably check the directions to make sure. That's another advance; the directions are all online, none of these tree-killing paper booklets, so now the cell phone is involved in downloading the app that tells me how set the clock.

Finally, it's set up, and I toss in a bag of microwave popcorn and push the button. It beeps, and across the keypad, like crawler on the bottom of the financial channel with all the stock prices, it reads "Sensing…Sensing" Really? I pushed the popcorn button, what else did it need to know, if I had Netflix and was going to "chill?" Then it said "Large bag..3.5 oz." How did it know? It was a little weird, honestly. What would be next, a disembodied voice asking me, "are you going to eat that entire thing by yourself Fatty McButter Pants?"

The next night I decide to have baked potatoes. In they go, beep beep goes the potato button.  More sensing, with the display reading, "calculating." Could my microwave have trust issues? Why doesn't it believe me?  Then it reads, "four medium potatoes." Now I'm officially scared, there were exactly four potatoes.  How does it know that? What else can it see? I was much happier when my appliances were stupid and couldn't read or count.

Except for my dishwasher. Whoever programmed that knows that I don't pre-rinse and whenever the start button is pushed, it automatically runs the "undisciplined slob" cycle on every load. Is there a mother ship that is communicating with all these appliances? What if, somewhere, there is a cloud that has all this home tech data assembled in it? Are there AI overlords that know who gets the popcorn with the extra butter and movie theater grease and who is having steamed veggies?  Are the smart refrigerators, with their ice sensors and water filters, dutifully keeping track of how long it takes to finish a pint of Ben and Jerry's. Pro tip: we don't need artificial intelligence for that, it takes two episodes of Grey's Anatomy, or one viewing of the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Technology is fantastic, and we need it, but as far as the kitchen goes, I might be more of a Wilma Flintstone than a Jane Jetson.

Leaving a Few Things Behind

"Year's end is neither an end or a beginning, but a going on with all the wisdom experience can instill in us."

--Hal Borland

It's not quite the end of the year, but we are getting there. It's been quite a ride, hasn't it? I don't care who you are, 2017 was a kick in the pants, no question. Some good, some bad, and some events so mind-bogglingly stupid, it's a wonder the human race has survived this long. It has though, so we should probably just keep going. While it's a time when some people think up resolutions and goals, promising to do better at this or to eat less of that, isn't how I roll. Instead, I look back at the year like it was a buffet in some imaginary cafeteria. I put some items on my plate, and others got handed to me. There were things I passed by because they looked awful, or in a few cases, because they seemed too good, in that tempting way that never works out well. Here are a few habits that cropped up a lot for me in 2017 that I am leaving there.

Arguing over politics on social media. I'm so done. It's clear that some people won't ever see it my way, and I'm not coming over to their side, so why waste the air? I grew up on political debate; my father would discuss the Church, the government, our laws and the people responsible for running it all on a regular basis. He'd go off at the drop of a hat and get into it with anyone, face to face, usually over a beer, which is so much better than over the Internet. A friend in college, who knew our family was from the Boston area, asked him, "Mr. Kelley, what's it like to have lived where the Kennedys came from?" His answer? "Well, it wasn't a big deal unless, you know, I had the audacity to say I'd voted for someone else. Then it got a little prickly, but it's never bothered me, I just made sure none of them lived where I wanted to live, because…there goes the neighborhood." He said it to start something, because he was smart enough to know how to finish it. While I will miss the intelligent political debate, it's finally dawned on me that it's almost nonexistent anyway, at least via a keyboard or screen.

Being surprised. I've given that up too, because, quite frankly, if a news bulletin came on today that said there would no longer be a Post Office, and the buildings were going to be converted to casinos, I can't say I'd be shocked. It's been one eventful year, and most of it, for me anyway, was pretty unexpected. Oh, there's a new rule that everyone has to wear orange on Sundays? Ok, whatever. What's that? Failure to use a turn signal is now a felony? Fine. So many times over the year I said, "No, that won't happen" and then it did. Santa Clause is resigning because he got handsy with an elf? Of course, he did. Someone sent a nasty note to a neighbor over a tree and some lights, and didn't have the stones to sign it? Not surprising at all, I've got my own little anonymous fan sending me critiques now and then about this column, but never a signature. Old news.

People who just don't "get it." While that's rather vague, it's something we all recognize.  There are always a few people like this, and maybe they are family members or coworkers that have to be tolerated, but I'm pretty much over feeling badly about not wanting to deal with…well…crap that doesn't matter. Don't get me wrong, I don't know anyone who's a total jerk or anything, but 2017 proved that sometimes, the world can be a tough place. Anyone who makes it more difficult is off my radar.

I sent a kid off to the military this year, and another kid is lighting it up at a new school where she didn't even know where her first class would be. I got up every day and did my work, and took care of my family, and didn't run anyone over with my car, which, to be honest, wasn't always easy. It's here though, the end of another trip around the sun. The Airman is coming home (tomorrow!), and there's a rib roast waiting to be devoured. Nothing that happened this past year was a waste though because after some of the "experiences" of 2017, there's got to be a whole lot of wisdom around and that is what will carry us all into the coming year, right?

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

"I just like to smile. Smiling is my favorite."

---Buddy the Elf

What a lovely friendly quote, right? Well, there's going to be a little rant here, so just keep smiling. At this time of year, the same traditions begin again, like every year. Black Friday. Christmas carols. Decorations and sales and so much else. I grew up with Christmas, and it's nice if a little stressful. It's definitely more fun as a kid than a parent. Lately though, in the past ten or so years, there has been another aspect to this time of year. The War on Christmas. No one can say "Merry Christmas" anymore. No, absolutely not, don't even think it. White Christian families are now the oppressed. Santa Claus is persona non grata.  A Christmas tree in your window could get you shunned.

Ridiculous you say? Why yes, of course, it is! There is no war on Christmas, okay? It doesn't exist. Oh, well, wait, I'm wrong on that. There actually are foot soldiers in the war on Christmas. They're American service members still serving in Afghanistan. How many? Estimates put it at 11,000 troops currently serving there. They will be there Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and who knows how long after that? That is the only "war" on Christmas that genuinely exists, and sadly, most people have no idea it's happening. Many are too busy getting their panties in a wad over what the Wal-Mart cashier says to them on their way out of the store.

Yes, it's true that the majority of people in the United States celebrate Christmas. Pew Research puts the figures around 70% for Christian, 6% for Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim and Hindu combined and the rest sprinkled among Pagans, atheists, and agnostics. You know what 100% of the businesses in the United States celebrate? Not going bankrupt. That's the job of businesses. To get as many people as possible to want their products, shop in their stores and buy all the crap most people don't need, like Chia Pets and Fingerlings. So, it seems that it would make good business sense to cast a wide net and not alienate any potential shoppers.  Most stores now have "Holiday" sales. Most employees say, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." Is that holiday hostility and political pandering? No. It's about not leaving people out. It's not nice to leave people out, didn't we all learn that in kindergarten? Also, leaving people out is bad for the bottom line.

Like anything, when I have a question about something, I ask people who know more than I do. I am blessed to have many Jewish friends, and I asked them about the whole Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays debate. Perhaps it's because my taste in friends is excellent, but not one of them said they minded being wished a "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" by random retail employees. One friend, who is wicked smart, said that while she wasn't offended by a Christmas greeting, it was an assumption on the part of the person saying it.  It's assumption that since Christmas is the dominant holiday, that must be what everyone does. Since we cannot always know what the bag boy at Stop and Shop or the clerk at the bank celebrates, saying "Happy Holidays" isn't a ding on Christmas, it's a way to make sure you are not assuming something you don't know for a fact. Because what happens when we assume? Something not printable here.

Some of my friends did say they felt "uninvited" or "overlooked" when everything from Halloween on was all Christmas, all the time and you know, I get that. However, none of them, not a single one, were angry, rude or snotty about it and my fellow pug mom, poet and neighbor, who is Jewish, said she'd go caroling with me. She's awesome.

Another wise friend echoed what most people said when she told me, "I'm never offended when someone wishes me well. We've become such a divisive country that we take issue with someone wishing us Happy____. How the hell do we get offended by a phrase that begins with Happy?" Ding, dong merrily on high, we have a winner! Did someone wish you well? Good for you! Why on earth is that a problem? Ask anyone that works at Starbucks, this time of year is fraught with peril concerning cups, good wishes, trees, décor and freaking eggnog lattes. There was a nearly nationwide tantrum over the 2015 coffee cups that were red and didn't have anything Biblical on them like reindeer and snowmen. Enough already.

As I was writing this, my Spotify playlist shuffled to Perry Como singing "Happy Holidays!" I looked it up. That song was written in 1942. It's been played every year on multiple stations. How come nobody thinks Perry Como hates Jesus? Probably because he's dead, but I digress.  Wishing someone "Happy Holidays" isn't some liberal political agenda to kill Santa and make venison chops out of Rudolph. It's a way to be inclusive, to wish someone well, to share a smile and a quick moment of empathy with the hustle and bustle of this time of year. Do some retailers instruct employees to say, "Happy Holidays" and not "Merry Christmas?" Yes. The same way one of my first employers instructed me not to say, "There's no real dairy in the shakes, so don't worry if you're lactose intolerant." It's business. If sales associates in retail "big box" stores are ruining your holiday with their automatic and likely mandated greeting, you might need an attitude adjustment.

Here's my wish for everyone this year. To all that know me and even those who don't, I wish you joy and health. Good times with family and friends. Safe travels and happy trails. Eight candles to remember a miracle, a tree to decorate, a gift to open, a meal to share and warm wishes for a new year full of love and laughter and, like Buddy the Elf, smiles. If you're having a tough time with any of that, call me. You're welcome at my house anytime.