Shut It Down

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

---Stephen Furtick

Photo courtesy of Amy Bucher 

Social distancing. We all know what that is now, right? Just four months ago, some might have thought it was the new way to dump your boyfriend. No more uncomfortable talks, or claims of, “It’s not you, it’s me.” You just stop taking his calls, start going to different clubs and restaurants, and boom, done.

 Nope. If only it were that simple.  Social distancing is very generic, it's a polite way of saying, “Get the heck away from me you snoogering petri dish of peril.” It’s likely going to become the iconic phrase of 2020, and while staying at home, backing up a few feet in the grocery line, and washing your hands so often they look like chicken talons, has become our standard now, what about another kind of distancing? Has anyone considered the impact social MEDIA distancing could have?

When COVID-19 first started to ramp up, and restaurants, stores, pubs, and schools were closed, where did many of us turn?  To our digital world. To smartphones, to Tweet out every bit of outrage, disappointment, and fear. To Facebook, to post ridiculous junk science videos from YouTubers that can’t spell, but should be regarded as epidemiological experts. We researched malaria drugs to treat the virus because someone from our book group said it was real. We read “news” stories from sites that didn’t have a single editor or journalist writing or fact-checking anything, and we ran with them, plastering links all over Reddit, Tumblr, and anywhere else we could punch up on a keyboard. Then we blamed the media. Because that makes sense, right? It wasn’t us, it was them!

It’s no secret that I am a huge screen addict. Whether it’s my phone, my laptop, or my hourly Google alerts, it’s nearly constant with me, and it’s definitely been a problem from time to time. Every so often I’ve had to pull the plug, and just not engage in any of it. Normally, when I’ve stepped away it’s made me twitchy because while I’d like to call it being informed and engaged with my world, it’s really just that I’m nosier than everyone’s odd Aunt Helen, and tech-savvy enough to know how to snoop more efficiently than peering out my window with the lights off. Giving up my social media crack pipe was hard.

Then along comes the C-word. No, not that one! Corona. COVID19. The onslaught of information, misinformation, and, well, insanity, on social media became a curve no amount of isolation could flatten. Entire pages of the World Wide Web became all about mask-shaming, finger-pointing, and plain old tattling. We could instantly see that some lunatic was licking produce and posting a video of it as a “Corona challenge.” We saw armed men and women literally take to the streets to square off against nurses, who, not for nothing, had to stop caring for patients to deal with tantrums over haircuts and shoe shopping. For me, the tipping point was when some half-wit was ranting that his right to a meal at Golden Corral was more important than his elderly neighbor’s life, eloquently stating, “We’re all going to die someday anyway, why can't I have a nice meal?”

That’s when my Internet intermittent fasting plan kicked in. No, it’s not going to help me ditch the extra pounds, or repair my bank balance, but it’s done wonders for my stress level. It’s hard to stay focused and rational when you’re up to the wee small hours going down the rabbit hole of alt-whatever websites, shopping on Amazon, and Googling yet another conspiracy theory. I set up hours where no social media was allowed. I locked my phone in my desk drawer during meals. The laptop was closed and put away at 9 PM every night. OK, well, no, not every night, no one is perfect, and sure, I fell off the wagon a few times. I’m working on it. The times that I did disengage though? Those were the nights I slept better, the mornings I didn’t wake up with a pessimistic view of nearly everything. I didn’t have to look at everyone’s new hobbies, nature walks, and expert homeschooling moments and feel like an utter failure. There was way less looking around my cluttered space and comparing it to the Pinterest-perfect pantries full of kale chips and alphabetized spice racks.

Then, the unthinkable happened. I bought a puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle, with 300 pieces. Amateur hour for some, but a talented local artist, Carol Eldridge, has created one, with scenes of the harbor, sailboats, and sunny days. It should be noted, much like people who are nearsighted or can’t skip, I have almost zero ability to put together a puzzle that has more than 5 or 6 pieces. It might as well be rocket science for me. Yet that puzzle will be completed, probably this weekend. As G-d as my witness, those pieces will come together and make something suitable for framing. As we move toward opening up the outside world again, maybe we should also consider shutting down our online pursuits, or at least cutting back? That’s my plan, at least until this puzzle is done. Stay tuned, be well, and when this mess is over, come by and see the finished product!

Unpopular Opinions

"All progress resulted from people who took unpopular positions."

---Adlai Stevenson

Since so many of us have been homebound lately, social media is becoming a way to share jokes, memes, Netflix suggestions and other, well, nonsense. I'm annoying people with too many pictures of my pug, but again, I don't accept the premise that there can be too many pictures of a pug. 

Man, I need to get out of the house. 

Anyway, unpopular opinions are a hot topic if you're sick of everything being about the C-word (Corona, that is).  While chatting with a few people, via social media distancing, of course, here are a few opinions that are not popular, but are fiercely held by some of my friends.

·      More than a few women I know do not like pedicures. While a pedi is usually seen as a lovely, pampering indulgence, and, by some, an absolute necessity, I have friends who'd rather have a root canal than a pedicure. From the time it takes, the price, and the squick factor, to the spa environment and experience, these women are not having it. One of my friends finally realized she disliked it so much she felt she was essentially paying someone to torture her. 

·      Travis (not his real name) is a sexy beast. He claims his wife agrees, but she had no comment. In his experience, he hasn't found that a lot of people share this opinion, but he's convinced of it. Points for confidence, you have to give him that. You go, Travis.

·      Going to a trade school is a better choice than going to a traditional four-year college. Better? Well, that is highly dependent on the kid, but my friend was right when she talked about the attitude that vocational education is for the "dumb" kids or the delinquents. All the labor statistics, career projections, and financial concerns over college debt prove that trade school is a phenomenal option. Still, there is a general feeling among many that it's somehow, "lesser than" or inferior to, a four-year college path. I have a kid in trade school; unpopular or not, her high school experience has been nothing short of amazing. She's also headed for another unpopular option, community college. Oh, the shame! 

·      Leashes on toddlers are a good option. Sure, some parents cringe when they see a kid on a safety lead, but think about it. Suppose you have an active toddler, and a newborn and the stroller/backpack/death grip isn't cutting it. Then what? If you're at a fair, or near a busy street, a rambunctious little one could dart right away from you. Try not to judge a parent using a harness or lead. One of my kids was a runner, and no amount of threats, discipline or whatever else the "experts" advised was working. I regret not using one a few times; it would have made some outings much less stressful.

·      Nothing smells as good as a horse. What? This is insanity! Hot cinnamon rolls, buttered popcorn, bacon frying, ocean waves, French fries, the list of wonderful smells is longer than your arm, and nowhere does it say, "horse." I love horses, there's never been a police horse that didn't get a pat on the nose from me if I come across one, but that doesn't mean smelling like Mr. Ed is an option. A nice whiff of a barn and some hay? Sure. Saddle sweat? Not so much.

Obviously, everyone's definition of popular or unpopular will vary, but that's the good part, right? What if we couldn't while away some of this downtime arguing the merits of pineapple on pizza, wine in plastic cups, or the proper way to put toilet paper (if you can find it) on the roll? We'd be even more bored, and we wouldn't learn anything new about our friends and neighbors. Now that I know one friend thinks mashed potatoes are an abomination, I can work on changing her appalling lack of culinary knowledge. Stay well, people. Summer is coming.

Top Ten Pandemic Positives

Originally, I wrote this to my wonderful group of Badminton friends, because we are not playing anymore. Yes, a first world problem, and truly, I'm glad we are all being safe, but it was a chance for me to reflect on some positives.

TOP TEN BENEFITS FROM CORONA VIRUS/COVID 19

10) Clean hands. I shudder to think what has been happening before now, but thankfully, now people are doing better.

9)  I have time to declutter parts of my house. I’m not actually DOING it, mind you, but I have time.

8) The Charmin Toilet Paper Bears are now national heroes. I do so love it when a big, fat, hairy creature is recognized, it gives me hope as we exit winter and realize the damage four months of minimal shaving maintenance has done.

7) Anxiety over food shortages, illness, family members with chronic health conditions, and debate over how long germs live on surfaces has forced me to walk the feck away from social media and this is a GOOD THING.

6) I am so feckin caught up on laundry, I’ve discovered I might be a laundry savant. Could I parlay this into a job? Which I desperately need? Perhaps.

Perhaps material for medical masks?

5) I take joy in something simple like “Wanna take a ride?” “Wanna go for a walk?” Essentially, I have become my pug, Penny. Not all together a bad thing.

4) Day drinking is no longer entirely frowned upon. So far, I am resisting, but it is nice to know that if I decide to have half a glass of wine at 2pm, no one will tell me I need a meeting.

3) I’m cooking more. Wait, that isn’t really a benefit, to anyone but Stop and Shop, but it’s made me realize I can feed my family without greasy bags and pizza boxes. Winning!

2) I appreciate my friends so much more. I’m going to become one of those obnoxious huggers when this is over

1)    I realize how much I treasure a the first world pleasure of getting to gather at my badminton club, the Gut, see women who inspire me, be supported despite my level (right around an F I would say) of play, and be welcomed, every week. This was about my badminton buddies, but honestly, it transcends social groups. I am so grateful for all of my friends, even from a social distance of six feet. And completely loving that technology means I can stay, at least a little, in touch