More Than Words

“Words are never enough. The eye sees. The mind knows. The heart feels. But the words do not exist to make us see, or know, or feel what it is like, what actually happens.

—Life magazine, 1943

It’s hard to imagine in these times of immediate media and a 24/7 news cycle, but in World War II, news coverage of most of the battles didn’t come until weeks after they had happened. Photos and newsreels were carefully curated, and there was no citizen journalism like there is today, on social media. Pearl Harbor was attacked on Dec. 7, 1941. Yet, despite the more than 2,000 people who died that day, there was never a photo in any news outlet of a dead American until September of 1943 when Life magazine published a photo of a dead Navy sailor in New Guinea, in the South Pacific. Editors of the magazine explained the choice with the quote above, which was featured in the Ken Burns documentary “The War.”

PBS pic, via the Library of Congress

Very different from today, when the instant an IED goes off, or another building is attacked, the film is available online, sometimes even as it happens. This is our world now. Pictures are a powerful way to tell a story, to preserve memories, and to document history. It can be too much, however, and with the news now being all corona, all the time, I know it’s not just me stepping back from the press conferences, the news shows, the Twitter feeds and Google alerts. It’s simply too much, at least for me. What I have found helpful is to turn to a big plastic bin of photos and souvenirs that are hopelessly unorganized and likely will always remain so. It’s worth going down to my dusty basement and digging it out now and then.

It’s kind of a time capsule of my family, with baby pics of my brother and me growing up, our parents, my own kids, family vacations, Christmas tree shots and homemade birthday cards. I like that it’s not all neatly cataloged because it means I can reach in, at any time, and come up with a different handful of history. Pictures from my high school trip to Paris, faded shots of prom night and flowers, drooling babies and Lego blocks are all mixed in there, anytime anyone wants to wade in and remember.

We’re all feeling more than a little cooped up lately; it’s impossible not to be going a little stir crazy. My big bin of pictures has been wonderful for this because it’s nearly impossible to go through with the urge to lock a housebound teenager in a closet when you’ve just been perusing the baby pictures of when she was tiny, cute, and couldn’t talk. That’s the thing about pictures: They show just an instant of time, but that’s all it takes to capture some moments and it can be all we need to get past a few lousy moments.

I’m a digital girl; it’s all about my phone, laptop and other tech gadgets. Still, there is something about faded Polaroids, and prints that are still in envelopes from Fotomat, that really bring the old days back into focus. This quarantine is doing my head in. Half the time I’m unsure of what day it is, but when the shoebox that holds pictures, my degree and the commencement program from my college graduation is emptied out on the dining room table, I remember exactly who I was with, what my friends and I said to each other that day and how crisp and blue the sky was on the campus of Saint Michael’s College that first Sunday in May of 1986. Earlier this week, I may not have been sure if it was Tuesday or Wednesday, but when it was too windy and rainy to go for a walk, that shoebox was a lifeline to another time and honestly, it did more for me than a Netflix binge or another batch of chocolate chip cookies.

I am trying to capture some fun pictures of what this time has been like, even if it’s just a shot of Penny pug at the beach or silly selfies of my kids in their face masks. Even a pandemic can yield some happy snaps, right? Stay safe, stay sane and take out the old photo albums. You’ll be glad you did.

Brenda Kelley Kim is a longtime Marblehead resident and the author of “Sink or Swim: Tales From the Deep End of Everywhere.”

Virtual Manners

"Manners are the sensitive awareness of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

---Emily Post

There is no one more well-known for manners and etiquette than Emily Post. She literally wrote the book on it, and much of what she explained has become the standard, worldwide, for how to behave in certain situations. I wonder though, if Mrs. Post could ever have imagined the high-tech world we live in now? She died in 1960, at the age of 87, having lived a most amazing life, but how would she advise us now? With cell phones, GPS devices, and laptops being as common as hatpins and pocket watches were in her day, what would she have to say about how all that impacts etiquette, manners, and the social scene?

I am the last person to ask about proper manners since many of the rules are about events and situations I'm not usually involved in, but I've managed to not get tossed out of tea with the Queen. Mostly because I've never been invited unless you count that drag show I went to in New Orleans, but whatever. Post was right when she said that it's really about awareness. Not only now, in these odd times of quarantine rules, but always. Some people walk around encased in a bubble of oblivion, completely unaware, seemingly, that there are other people in the world. We all see it, every day. The rude driver that cuts you off for a parking space, the obnoxious person in the market who blocks every aisle, while yapping on an iPhone, that one person that just has to spread their stuff all over the seats on the train, while people are standing. These winners have their heads up their…well, never mind where, but it's not sunny. Just a little awareness would go a long way, right?

As our world evolves, and changes, etiquette would have to as well, and it has. I was researching and found quite a bit of good information about technology manners, especially since so many of us are working from home these days. Let's start with meetings. To be safer, lots of meetings are going virtual, and it's going to take some getting used to. Here 

are a few tips for managing online meetings. 

·      Know your platform. Signing on to a video conference can be complicated.  WiFi speed, location, laptop, and software are all going to be different for everyone, so if you're supposed to be on a call at 2 pm on a Tuesday, spend a little time before the call (well before, not five minutes) understanding how to log on, and use the interface. Don't be that one person in the meeting who is squinting at the screen, hollering "I can't hear anyone, can you hear me? Why is my screen black, what's a chatbox?" Every online meeting platform has instructions on how to use them. Read up.

·      Slow down. There is almost always a delay in the audio or video, so cross talk is going to happen. With everyone not in the same room, it's hard to tell whose turn it is to talk so be mindful of that. I don't know about anyone else, but being forced to have a delay of a few seconds before I say something has been good for me. Perhaps this will curb my habit of blurting out statements that never should have entered my mind, much less have been uttered out loud.

·      It's not show and tell. In an actual conference room, no one pulls their cat out of their briefcase and tells everyone how Mr. Snuffles is feeling that day. No one wants to see your collection of Franklin Mint snow babies, or your sink full of dishes. It's also not lunchtime. Webcams are cruel, they show every line, shadow, and double chin. Add a tuna sandwich and chips to the static that comes with most computer microphones and you're going to look and sound like Cookie Monster in a chocolate chip frenzy. You can eat later, off-camera, because truly, no one wants to see and hear your snack attack.

It really is just about taking a look around and considering others, even if they are just a square on a video screen. We all have to adjust to a new normal that is everything but ordinary. While so much has changed, one part that remains the same is that we all need to work together at whatever we do, in business, in education, in our families. It doesn't have to involve a finger bowl and a seventeen-piece place setting of flatware to be good manners. Sometimes it's just knowing where the mute button is and using it. I've been working on that my whole life, maybe this experience will help? It never hurts to be more aware of those around us, right? Be well.

Unpopular Opinions

"All progress resulted from people who took unpopular positions."

---Adlai Stevenson

Since so many of us have been homebound lately, social media is becoming a way to share jokes, memes, Netflix suggestions and other, well, nonsense. I'm annoying people with too many pictures of my pug, but again, I don't accept the premise that there can be too many pictures of a pug. 

Man, I need to get out of the house. 

Anyway, unpopular opinions are a hot topic if you're sick of everything being about the C-word (Corona, that is).  While chatting with a few people, via social media distancing, of course, here are a few opinions that are not popular, but are fiercely held by some of my friends.

·      More than a few women I know do not like pedicures. While a pedi is usually seen as a lovely, pampering indulgence, and, by some, an absolute necessity, I have friends who'd rather have a root canal than a pedicure. From the time it takes, the price, and the squick factor, to the spa environment and experience, these women are not having it. One of my friends finally realized she disliked it so much she felt she was essentially paying someone to torture her. 

·      Travis (not his real name) is a sexy beast. He claims his wife agrees, but she had no comment. In his experience, he hasn't found that a lot of people share this opinion, but he's convinced of it. Points for confidence, you have to give him that. You go, Travis.

·      Going to a trade school is a better choice than going to a traditional four-year college. Better? Well, that is highly dependent on the kid, but my friend was right when she talked about the attitude that vocational education is for the "dumb" kids or the delinquents. All the labor statistics, career projections, and financial concerns over college debt prove that trade school is a phenomenal option. Still, there is a general feeling among many that it's somehow, "lesser than" or inferior to, a four-year college path. I have a kid in trade school; unpopular or not, her high school experience has been nothing short of amazing. She's also headed for another unpopular option, community college. Oh, the shame! 

·      Leashes on toddlers are a good option. Sure, some parents cringe when they see a kid on a safety lead, but think about it. Suppose you have an active toddler, and a newborn and the stroller/backpack/death grip isn't cutting it. Then what? If you're at a fair, or near a busy street, a rambunctious little one could dart right away from you. Try not to judge a parent using a harness or lead. One of my kids was a runner, and no amount of threats, discipline or whatever else the "experts" advised was working. I regret not using one a few times; it would have made some outings much less stressful.

·      Nothing smells as good as a horse. What? This is insanity! Hot cinnamon rolls, buttered popcorn, bacon frying, ocean waves, French fries, the list of wonderful smells is longer than your arm, and nowhere does it say, "horse." I love horses, there's never been a police horse that didn't get a pat on the nose from me if I come across one, but that doesn't mean smelling like Mr. Ed is an option. A nice whiff of a barn and some hay? Sure. Saddle sweat? Not so much.

Obviously, everyone's definition of popular or unpopular will vary, but that's the good part, right? What if we couldn't while away some of this downtime arguing the merits of pineapple on pizza, wine in plastic cups, or the proper way to put toilet paper (if you can find it) on the roll? We'd be even more bored, and we wouldn't learn anything new about our friends and neighbors. Now that I know one friend thinks mashed potatoes are an abomination, I can work on changing her appalling lack of culinary knowledge. Stay well, people. Summer is coming.

It's Not Just For Pandemics: Working From Home

"The main advantage of working at home is that you get to find out what cats really do all day."

---Lynne Truss

We don't have a cat at our house, but we have a tiny pug, Miss Penny, and she leads a pretty nice little life. Her schedule is well organized from what I can tell. She sleeps late, barks at passersby from her spot by the window for most of the morning, begs for snacks, takes a nap, and then starts the routine all over again. Pugs excel at three things: snacking, sneezing, and snoring. We've grown used to each other's habits though, and she's a pretty good work from home office mate. Sometimes.

The stay at home advisory has more people than ever all of a sudden working from home, and for some, it's been an adjustment. Not me though. Welcome to my world, won't you come on in? I'll be the one at the dining room table, wearing a lovely silk blouse, a scarf, and my Betty Boop pajama pants. That's so when the next Zoom video meeting starts, I'm camera-ready, from the neck up anyway.  I'm also barefoot most of the time, and just out of the frame is a kitchen with dirty dishes in the sink and leftover pizza in the microwave.

There is a way to make working from home efficient and productive, and the reason I know this is because I've been working at home for most of the last ten years, and I've made all the mistakes. Finally, though, I have a system down. Here's what works, for me anyway.

1)    The first word in "Work from home" is? WORK. It's not a day off, it's not a half-day, it's not playtime. Setting a schedule is helpful because otherwise, the day has no structure, and before you know it it's dinner time, and you're still staring at a half-finished Excel spreadsheet, and your project is yet another day late. People think that working from home means you can just decide what to do and when to do it, and if a chance comes up to hit the beach or have lunch with a friend, you just go. No, that's not it all, sadly. While there's more flexibility being at home, the work still has to get done and here's a pro tip: You can't work at the beach or the pool. Don't even try it, it won't happen. BTDT and all I got was sand in my hard drive. Soccer games, the carpool lane, and the parking lot at school are also not conducive to cranking out the work.

2)    Get childcare. Seriously, if you have young children around, and you're sitting there on the computer, they're going to think you're playing Minecraft and you won't have a minute's peace. You can't plop kids in front of a TV for 8 hours either, so get some help. Maybe trade kids with other work at home parents, or split the day up between work hours, and kid hours. It might have been funny on the BBC when a cute little girl came strolling in on her dad's live interview, but your clients won't think it's funny when a batch of slime or a round of Nerf gun bullets goes whizzing by your head during a video conference call.

Meme via @with_love_becca

3)    Make a land grab. Find a spot in the house that's (relatively) quiet, has room for your gear, is comfortable, and is just yours. Plant a flag, surround it with caution tape, do whatever it takes, but own your space. If you're constantly wandering around with your laptop and a notepad, with a pencil, stuck behind your ear, you're lost before you've begun. Let everyone who lives with you know where the work zone is, and that interfering with it is a felony.

Working from home just might become the new normal, even when the pandemic has passed. It's not always easy, but it has some real benefits as far as reducing commuting time, making companies more profitable because they save on office rent, and helping employees strike a better work/life balance. Good luck, and make sure to reward your family now and then for putting up with all those important, yet mostly unproductive, video team report status check-in update meetings.

Patience In A Pandemic

"Patience is not simply the ability to wait – it's how we behave while we are waiting."

---Joyce Meyer

It should be noted that unless we're talking about waiting on tables, or cocktail waitressing, waiting is not something I do well, nor is my behavior admirable whilst waiting around. Truly, patience has never been my forte, and it never will be. Despite barely passing math, algebra and fractions go better for me than being told to wait, or be patient, or, the most dangerous words ever, to "calm down." It simply does not happen for me.

However, as we all know, right now patience and waiting, along with good behavior, seem to be the skills that will carry us through this pandemic. Everyone is waiting for something. For there to be more supplies in stores, for schools to open back up, for restaurants to bring food to your table, and not your curbside car. We are stuck with it. No matter how smart, efficient, or able you are, most of us are stuck now, waiting around. It's even more difficult because what we are waiting for is so unknown. Will we get sick? What about our friends and family members, will they be OK? Will our jobs come back, will the retirement accounts recover? Who knows?

It's been interesting to see the ebb and flow of patience, my own, and those of others. The first time I hit up the grocery store, amid the madness, it was before the sun was up, and, not being a morning person, just having to shove a grocery cart around a parking lot at 5:45 am was enough to set my teeth on edge. Once inside the store, truthfully, it became a mission. While I am not patient, when given a specific task, I can be laser-like in my focus. My plan? Take on the grocery store like Patton took on Sicily. A relentless and calculated assault, but without the Howitzers and tanks.

Social distancing is difficult when it's Armageddon in the produce aisle, but it can be done. I wasn't planning to hog up all the toilet paper, just get the basics of what I needed. The fish counter wasn't busy, so I figured a nice piece of haddock for supper would be good. The problem was the customer six feet in front of me, bless her heart, needed to physically inspect each filet. Tom, the fish guy, is a friend and he could tell by looking at me that I was about to slam it into Wicked Witch mode, so he helped Princess Picky Pants find her ideal cod match and got her on her way. Thanks, Tom, you saved a life. It's not that we don't all have the right to get the food we want, it's just that there truly isn't that much difference from filet to filet, OK? There just isn't. I curbed my rage-filled urge to bounce a lemon off the poor lady's skull; the least she could have done was move it along a little faster. See what I mean about my ability to be patient?

Since that first trip, I've managed to get a handle on what we really need for food and supplies and shop accordingly. The crowds are a little more manageable now, and there have been a couple of nights of carefully acquired take out (Thank you Romano's you never disappoint!) so it's calming down a little. I've found that being grateful for what isn't happening at my house is helpful. Normally, sentences beginning with "At least…" annoy me, because who wants the least out of a situation? But, you know what? At least it's not snowing. At least I am able to get out and get food when it's needed. At least my family is around me (ok, all the damn time is a bit much, but whatever) and at least the cable and the internet are still functioning normally and when I tire of Netflix, I can walk out the door, smell the ocean, watch seagulls, and hear waves.

The lines are still annoying, my hands look like snakeskin from all the washing, and I am going a bit overboard on salty snacks and boxed wine, but it will come to an end. I know this because in my backyard, a sure sign that Spring is near is when the fur babies come back for dinner. After being wherever bunnies go in the winter, my rabbit friends start to reappear. One night this week, as I was cooking yet another dinner, who was in the yard, happily munching away? El Ricardo. That's the name I gave this first bunny of Spring. He came back again the next night, and the night after that. It's a little thing, but it helps. Hang in there, and if you need a smile, and want to see some bunnies, stop by my yard at supper, just, you know, keep your distance.