The Season of Schlock

“We all need illusions, that’s why we love movies.”

---Monica Bellucci

When you walk into a movie theater there is something magical about that environment. Whether it’s a multiplex at a mall or a local theater, the combination of the smell of hot popcorn, smothered in some chemical oil that’s probably deadly, the squishy lump of smashed Junior Mints on scratchy polyester seats, and that feeling of anticipation as the lights go down is why people are still willing to pay $15 bucks to see a movie. It’s the whole experience.

Things have changed a lot however. The first movie I remember going to was a drive-in. It was a huge treat for our family. My dad took my brother and I, and my mom got to stay home, unburdened by screaming kids and a hungry husband. My father, always in search of a snack, let us have popcorn, candy, and soda and then got us ice cream on the way home. Not long after climbing into my upper bunk bed, I was hanging over the side puking on my brother. It’s been a family legend for years. Hurl on a sibling just once, and they never let you forget it.

Movies are still a fun outing for me, but honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve gone to the theater and seen something. I always mean to, especially when I pass by the Warwick and see the coming attractions and times on the sign. Somehow, though, there never seems to be the time; I need work on that. What there is time for, however, is bingeing movies online.  I need some kind of video Valium the background while when I’m working, it helps me focus. 

Since the holidays are approaching, many of my friends are eagerly awaiting what I call “The Season of Schlock.” I get that Lifetime, Oxygen, Hallmark and others put out Christmas movies around now and, #SorryNotSorry it must be said: some of these movies are just awful.

Seriously there should be a drinking game to make up a plot for these. Essentially, most of them are some variant of an abused or otherwise traumatized woman arriving in a small town where she knows no one and trusts no one. She can magically survive and pay all her bills by working part-time at the local diner that gets six customers a week. One of whom is a local rancher, who is often lost in thought and doesn’t say much. She and the rancher fall in love over both being lonely at Christmas (insert flashback of holiday related past trauma) and in a holiday miracle, the rancher is revealed as a multi-millionaire who whisks Diner girl off to his palatial “farmhouse” to raise orphaned ponies. The end. Change a few details, insert a lost child or a natural disaster and you have six more movies just like it. The networks wouldn’t keep making these movies if they didn’t pay off, but maybe there’s some gene missing in my DNA because they’re not my cup of cocoa?

The concept of escapism in movies is valid. Sure, we all want to watch something that makes us feel we could be someone else for a couple of hours. For me, however, the magical movie fantasy doesn’t involve a small town, mountain cabins, or working in a diner. I’ve been lucky; I’ve already gotten to do that. I want to watch a movie where the writing leaps off the screen it’s so well done. Where the actors get each nuance of their character exactly right. Where the locations are real and not just some soundstage.

 It’s not a snob thing; plenty of my favorite movies are light hearted and not really “deep” at all. Example? 

The Birdcage. One of the best movies ever made because it has slapstick, politics, love, family, and drag queens. What more could you want? Oh, Pierce Brosnan, my secret boyfriend. He’s not in that one, but I’ll watch any movie he’s ever in, silly or serious. I’d pay $15 to watch him tie his shoes. He doesn’t need to speed around in an Aston Martin or steal a painting, or sing…wait, alright, I got a little off-track there.

So, yes, I can see why in the midst of the holiday stress, these movies are pretty popular. Don’t we all just want to zone out every now and then? Just don’t look at me like I’m some disgrace to the sisterhood for not hopping on the movie of the week bandwagon. Mind candy is completely fine, we all need it. I’ll pass on the candy cane cinema, but if anyone wants to have a James Bond binge party, let me know!