Virtual Manners

"Manners are the sensitive awareness of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

---Emily Post

There is no one more well-known for manners and etiquette than Emily Post. She literally wrote the book on it, and much of what she explained has become the standard, worldwide, for how to behave in certain situations. I wonder though, if Mrs. Post could ever have imagined the high-tech world we live in now? She died in 1960, at the age of 87, having lived a most amazing life, but how would she advise us now? With cell phones, GPS devices, and laptops being as common as hatpins and pocket watches were in her day, what would she have to say about how all that impacts etiquette, manners, and the social scene?

I am the last person to ask about proper manners since many of the rules are about events and situations I'm not usually involved in, but I've managed to not get tossed out of tea with the Queen. Mostly because I've never been invited unless you count that drag show I went to in New Orleans, but whatever. Post was right when she said that it's really about awareness. Not only now, in these odd times of quarantine rules, but always. Some people walk around encased in a bubble of oblivion, completely unaware, seemingly, that there are other people in the world. We all see it, every day. The rude driver that cuts you off for a parking space, the obnoxious person in the market who blocks every aisle, while yapping on an iPhone, that one person that just has to spread their stuff all over the seats on the train, while people are standing. These winners have their heads up their…well, never mind where, but it's not sunny. Just a little awareness would go a long way, right?

As our world evolves, and changes, etiquette would have to as well, and it has. I was researching and found quite a bit of good information about technology manners, especially since so many of us are working from home these days. Let's start with meetings. To be safer, lots of meetings are going virtual, and it's going to take some getting used to. Here 

are a few tips for managing online meetings. 

·      Know your platform. Signing on to a video conference can be complicated.  WiFi speed, location, laptop, and software are all going to be different for everyone, so if you're supposed to be on a call at 2 pm on a Tuesday, spend a little time before the call (well before, not five minutes) understanding how to log on, and use the interface. Don't be that one person in the meeting who is squinting at the screen, hollering "I can't hear anyone, can you hear me? Why is my screen black, what's a chatbox?" Every online meeting platform has instructions on how to use them. Read up.

·      Slow down. There is almost always a delay in the audio or video, so cross talk is going to happen. With everyone not in the same room, it's hard to tell whose turn it is to talk so be mindful of that. I don't know about anyone else, but being forced to have a delay of a few seconds before I say something has been good for me. Perhaps this will curb my habit of blurting out statements that never should have entered my mind, much less have been uttered out loud.

·      It's not show and tell. In an actual conference room, no one pulls their cat out of their briefcase and tells everyone how Mr. Snuffles is feeling that day. No one wants to see your collection of Franklin Mint snow babies, or your sink full of dishes. It's also not lunchtime. Webcams are cruel, they show every line, shadow, and double chin. Add a tuna sandwich and chips to the static that comes with most computer microphones and you're going to look and sound like Cookie Monster in a chocolate chip frenzy. You can eat later, off-camera, because truly, no one wants to see and hear your snack attack.

It really is just about taking a look around and considering others, even if they are just a square on a video screen. We all have to adjust to a new normal that is everything but ordinary. While so much has changed, one part that remains the same is that we all need to work together at whatever we do, in business, in education, in our families. It doesn't have to involve a finger bowl and a seventeen-piece place setting of flatware to be good manners. Sometimes it's just knowing where the mute button is and using it. I've been working on that my whole life, maybe this experience will help? It never hurts to be more aware of those around us, right? Be well.

On Your Best Behavior

"1st: Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present."

---George Washington--Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation

Full disclosure, I'm cranky. A friend of mine, who has a wonderful way with words, would say I have a "goat in my garden" which means my panties are in a wad. She's from the South though and expresses herself in a much more polite and civilized way than I usually can. It's true though, I'm pretty bent about some public behavior I have witnessed lately, locally and nationally, and while George Washington lived in an entirely different time than we are all living in now, he had a pretty good point about respect. There are just some actions that should not be accepted in polite society. This was true in the 1700s, and it's true now. Here are a few examples, and, for the record, they all happened. It would be nice if they were made up, but no, these moments are, more often than not, the reality of daily life.

Cell Phone Use: Sure, George Washington could not have imagined cell phones. But it doesn't take a clairvoyant colonial politician to know that a space like a doctor's waiting room, a coffee shop or even the grocery store is not where a loud, and intensely personal conversation, should take place. No one wants to hear someone shouting into their iPhone about their mortgage, their latest lab results or anything else. I was recently browsing in Marshall's where a woman was wandering around the housewares department talking about her history of UTIs and her doctor's opinion on her dog sleeping in the bed with her being a possible cause. No. Sweet Mother of Abraham, no. This is not information anyone not intimately involved with this loud mouth needs to know. Just stop. Holy privacy, Batman. We all need to make a call now and then, but this is why they have hallways and cars. No more speakerphone calls in public spaces. No one wants to know that much about your life.

Personal hygiene: Another area of concern. Flossing is essential for healthy gums. Keeping your nails free of dirt is a good idea. Everyone enjoys an unstuffed nose. There are, however, many ways to accomplish these goals, but whipping out a roll of waxed thread and going all dental diva in the Starbucks line is just gross. Don't put any of your fingers in any of your airways unless you are entirely alone. Clipping your nails, with cuticles flying, is something best accomplished at home, and not at the RMV. I know it's a long wait, but bring a book for cripes sake.

Use your indoor voice: Most people are not hard of hearing, thankfully. So there is no reason to shout. This is one I struggle with because I'm Irish and I was raised around people who didn't fully understand how to be quiet. My daughter tells me all the time, "Hush! OMG, stop yelling." She has a point. Google "The Irish Whisper" it's a thing. If someone is standing within arm's length, you don't have to raise your voice, they can hear you.

These might seem like petty complaints, given the events of late. People were gunned down recently, in a house of G-d. A local teenager passed away after a brave battle with cancer. Who cares what George Washington thought about etiquette, right? Well, sure. Then again, when there is heartache all around us, when the evening news is all death and destruction, isn't taking a moment to consider how our actions might impact others a good idea? It's unlikely that refraining from picking your nose or flossing in public will do much good, politically or otherwise, but try anyway. For the comfort level of those around you, put down the Kleenex, the nail clippers and the cell phone. Maybe strike up a conversation with those around you, who knows, you might make a friend and friendship is something everyone needs these days.