Learning From Our Mistakes

 "When our children make mistakes, they are not failures they are learners.”  - Dulce Chalé

Well, if this quote is to be believed, then maybe my children really do know everything? Perhaps, they’re right when they say, “Ya, ya, Mom, I KNOW, ok? Jeeez.” Trust me, the mistakes made by my kids have been learning experiences, but not just for them. Before having children, everyone has a plan. Whether it’s school, potty training, or discipline, there’s a plan. Everyone says it's the hardest job ever, and we nod as if we get it. The realization that we are not even close lands hard, however, and usually comes right around the first time our little darlings screw up. Until that happens, we are all the perfect parents. Trust me though, it will come, and you will learn just how much you don’t know.

It's easy to think you have your act together when your child is toddling around smiling at fifty adoring relatives on Thanksgiving and singing "Baby Shark." No one looks at that idyllic moment and thinks to themselves, "I can't wait until this darling little gift from God is sitting in the principal's office because he went rogue at recess and punched someone  over a game of four square.” Been there, done that.

Norman Rockwell, "Shiner" 1953

It’s not something we plan for, either. You think that being ready for anything means college savings bonds, braces, and banking the cord blood? Oh, no, there is so much more to it. You not only have to provide basic food, shelter, and clothing, you also have to educate them, buy them at least a few of the cool toys, and make sure they are "good kids." No pressure, right?

When you get a call that your high schooler has skipped school to go on a joy ride with a friend, you learn pretty quickly that you are not at all ready. So you rush over to the school because you don't know where your kid is, and neither does the principal. I'm sure the phrase "FML" was bouncing around in his under-developed, teen-aged, pea brain when he sauntered back into school (via the front office door, DOH!) and found me waiting for him. Mom 1, kid 0. It was perhaps not my best parenting moment when I stood in the principal's office ripping my son's head off and asking the guidance counselor for military school brochures. The threat level goes right to bright orange when a mother finds out her child has not only broken the rules but has been caught because he was, quite simply, stupid. It sounds awful, I mean, who calls their own kid stupid, but at least once or twice, they will meet that standard. 

It occurred to me recently, however, that maybe there shouldn't be such a firestorm when a kid screws up. The joyriding high school kid is now a fully grown, gainfully employed, functional adult who is independent, sweet, and still a lover of taking off now and then for an adventure. The last few months have shown me that it’s not easy being a kid. Parenting isn’t the only tough job; growing up is no picnic either, especially now. Our young people have lost so many milestones and opportunities, nothing is what they expected it to be, and they have no way of knowing when or if it will get better. They are struggling, how could they not? If every now and then they drop the ball, as long as they come home safely, is it really so bad?

I'm not talking about dangerous behavior, violence, or other major issues. (In other words, no keggers when the parents are not home!)  I mean the normal, yet distressing moments like a fender bender with the family car, a broken curfew, or an afternoon of hookey at the beach.  Rather than looking at a situation, and figuring out how many days to put a kid on Amish lockdown (no cell phone, internet, video games, or TV), we could maybe let it slide with just a good conversation, a plan for going forward, and some cookies?  

Just ask my kids; it's not normal for me to be this Zen about their screw-ups. I've always been the mom to shoot first and ask questions later, but it's a different world now than it was just a year ago. As parents, caregivers, and adults, we need to find a little grace, a little peace, and maybe a small bit of common ground with our young ones because they need it. So do we.