The Art of Apology

"Never ruin an apology with an excuse."

---Kimberly Johnson

For once, finding a quote was easy. There are so many good words  about the art of apology. And it really is an art. Not because one should have to craft some flowery picture of regret and redemption, but because there is a lot that goes into an apology. You can't just slap out an "Oh, sorry" and call it done. Unless you're Canadian, but they can't help it, and truly, they're awfully nice people most of the time. 

When something we have said or done offends another person, causes them pain, causes them to feel bad, that needs to be dealt with. Like anything, I think it's best to own it, acknowledge it, and say almost nothing other than, "I am so sorry." Just as we cannot change other people, we also cannot dictate how others should feel. If someone is mad about something that was said or done, they're not automatically right.  They could be wrong, they may have misinterpreted what happened, or they could be acting like a spoiled child. None of that, however, has to be addressed by the person who slipped up.  An apology is about the person who is feeling hurt, no one else.

Once someone is made aware of an offense, even if it was not intentional, the first thing should be for that person to acknowledge that right or wrong, on purpose or by accident, they caused another human to feel pain. I don't know anyone who doesn't give a rat's bum about hurting someone else. Why would I want to be around someone like that? It's going to happen though. We are all, at some point, going to make a catty remark or fail to consider another person and it's an awful feeling. 

Like the time I was at an event and someone I didn't care for but had to play nice with showed up. I noticed his entrance and tried to look busy at the buffet. Another friend came up to let me know this person had arrived. I replied, "Cripes, I know, I saw him swagger in here like he owns the joint. If he's here, who's directing traffic in Hell?" Her face froze in shock, and I knew, immediately, that he was right behind me.  There is nothing one can say at that moment  other than, "I'm sorry, I should not have said that." Awkward doesn't even begin to describe it. Thank goodness he moved away because I was seriously considering relocating to a cabin in the woods.

Is everyone who is offended or hurt by something deserving of an apology? No, probably not. If you care about them though, their feelings will matter. Is an apology always an admission of guilt? Nope. Sometimes it's just about regretting that an action or a careless word caused someone else pain. I still don't like the person I crapped about, but saying what I did was not OK. My apology wasn't about the content of what I said so much as the timing and environment in which I said it. It doesn't matter what I think, or that I'd had a glass of wine or any other details. It was a rude remark and being rude isn't OK. No excuses.

We've just passed the Jewish holidays, which have a lot to do with atonement and forgiveness, so it's on my mind. My Jewish friends have always shared with me the traditions behind these holidays, and I am a better person for it. We each atone for mistakes we have made in different ways, but there are instances where an apology isn't truly an apology.

We apologize to express our feelings of regret, not to challenge another's feelings of hurt or cast doubt on their understanding of a situation. "I'm sorry you feel that way" is a BS excuse. Another lame tactic is, "I'm sorry you misunderstood me" because trust me, most times when we screw up? The other person has no problem understanding what just went down. It's usually just as obvious as, oh I don't know…perhaps a comment about a traffic cop in hell? Must we always accept an apology? No way. Sometimes we just cannot, and that's reality. We should try though; just as another person has made an effort to right a wrong, we should do what we can to accept it, if possible.

There's a ton of really stressful events happening in the world these days. Politics and polarization, violence and vigilantes, it's pretty scary sometimes. We're all going to screw up, that's a guarantee. I usually manage a few snafus a week. I'm doing the best I can, as we all are. Just remember, nothing happens in a vacuum; other people are affected by what we say and do. Skip the "Oh, my bad" and go for something genuine. Words matter, choose them wisely.