The Grocery Gamut

“Ever consider what pets must think of us?  I mean, here we come back from the grocery store with the most amazing haul---chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we are the greatest hunters on Earth.”

---Anne Tyler

The grocery store is pretty much the epicenter of Pandemic Panic these days. Rather than just stopping by the market, picking up some bread and milk, and going on with your day, a grocery run is now something that has to be meticulously planned, like some kind of enemy invasion. Routes are drawn, detailed lists are made, and everyone knows to make a beeline for the toilet paper aisle first because…priorities. It’s all about the strategy and intel now. People network on social media to spread the word on which store just got a truckload of bleach wipes.

Years ago, there was a show on television called “Supermarket Sweep” where contestants had a limited amount of time to race through a store and spend as much money as possible. Whoever got the priciest items in their allotted time won $5,000. I remember thinking someone owed me royalties because I did that every week without even trying that hard. I could bleed cash faster than anyone; having three kids in the house automatically means your monthly food bill is only slightly smaller than the budget for NASA. That same sweep mentality is alive and well again, only it’s not for fun, and there is no prize money involved.

Now, before you can even enter the store, you wait in a line, six feet apart. You wear a mask, and those eco-friendly reusable bags everyone has? Nope, they are so three months ago, germs you know, can’t risk it.  Shoppers are allowed into the hallowed food halls only when another shopper exits. Special hours are set aside for older shoppers or those with health issues.

To be clear: I have zero issues with any of this. My reusable bags are always lost or forgotten, a mask is a great option for hiding the three new chins I’ve grown since this whole pandemic began, and fewer people around me is a definite public safety bonus, given my near-constant crankiness. There are also directional signs on the aisles, which are all one way on an alternating pattern. Most people are ignoring the signs, which is disappointing, but honestly, understandable. It might just be the tipping point; even the most patient and compliant among us are at capacity with yet another rule, guideline, advisory, etc. I wonder if traffic cops are next, and if you get pulled over in a grocery store, do they ask, “Shopping list and coupons, please. Do you know why I stopped you today ma’am?” Still, this entire situation is so beyond normal (new or old, none of this is normal) that, of course, we’re all a little bent.

These are not the masks you're looking for

Once you’re in the store, it’s a crapshoot as to what they will have left, and how many you can buy. Personally, I think the limits are mostly reasonable. I spoke with one of the managers at the store I go to, and he explained that, especially with food, if someone comes to them and explains that they have a large family or other circumstances, they will allow some leeway on quantity and can work with customers to make sure they have what they need.

I recently read on Twitter that some talking head radio host was mad that he had to use hand sanitizer, wear a mask, and follow directional signs in a store while shopping for a toaster. And he never did find one. Based on this, he believes our country, as we know it, is now destroyed. That’s where it’s at for some people. Thousands are dead, many more are out of work, but this guy doesn’t have toast, and thus America has been wiped out of existence. Come on people. Aren’t we better than this?

That’s what it’s really about, isn’t it? Making it better? The virus, the economy, our communities; we’re in a little trouble here. It seems so trite to say, “We’re all in this together” because one, it’s a hackneyed phrase that doesn’t mean much, and two, no we aren’t actually in it together. We may all be in the same ocean, navigating the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat. Each person is facing a different set of challenges. Job losses, children needing to be homeschooled, at-risk family members, and, sadly, way too many obituaries.

We are all impatient, we are all tired of the stress, the fear, and the hassle that an ordinary errand has become. I don’t own a boat, but when I’ve sailed with friends, it’s common to wave at another boat that passes you. Maybe that’s what we need in the grocery store? Nod at someone, give them a little wave if they look stressed, and maybe don’t be quite so aggressive? We could complain all day, and full disclosure, I’m leading the way in kvetching, so I will be taking my own advice. Be well, be safe, and for cripes sake, be just a little nicer? Please and thank you.