The Most Dangerous Toys? Oh Please...

"I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened."

---Mark Twain

At times, I have been a world-class worrier. My first child wore a life jacket and a bike helmet in the tub. As the years wore on, I eased up. My second only wore the helmet. The third? Neither, but the baby monitor wasn't turned off in her room until she was ten years old. Thankfully, over the years, I've been able to calm down about the minor issues and just focus on what matters most. It's a good thing because looking back, worrying about tubby time seems simple compared to some of what keeps me up at night now.

Recently the list of the ten most dangerous toys came out. I appreciate that there are organizations that check on safety and toys because the laws about the manufacturing and sale of them are not that specific and the list always seems to bring up something no one thought of before. Knowledge is power, right? No, not always. Sometimes knowledge is what's causing that rising panic when you start losing it because the toy your kid wants---more than anything in the world---made the top ten.

This year's list is much like those in the past. It talks about toys with toxic materials, small pieces, dangerous malfunctions and all that. The problem is, some of the items on the list, while not harmless, seem to be there for no real reason. One of them is the Wonder Woman Battle-Action Sword. It's on the list as one of the "worst" toys, and let's face it that's a big deal. It's a short list; it's like being a National Merit Finalist for a trip to the Island of Misfit T

oys. The problem with this toy? It could cause a "blunt force injury." Well…yes, but couldn't almost any toy do that? I bashed my brother over the head with my Patty Playful doll, and he needed two stitches. It would be one thing if they had a problem with the Lasso of Truth being a choking hazard, or Wonder Woman's invisible plane being recalled for not meeting emissions standards, but come on.

Another toy to look out for the is the Spiderman drone. The propeller blades go wicked fast and if a kid touches them, it could cause an injury. Isn't that true of every drone ever made? How come Spiderman is singled out?  First Wonder Woman, and now the webbed wonder? Doesn't this sort of sound like a conspiracy against Super Heroes? Watch out Batman; they'll be coming for the utility belt any day now.

It's become ridiculous. The holidays are stressful enough; now there's a naughty list of toys too? Whoever makes up the list must think parents are stupid and will just hand a kid a toy and never bother to read the directions or watch the children play. It's like the whole "You'll shoot your eye out!" frenzy in the movie "A Christmas Story."  The Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle wasn't on any list, but everyone still worried about it. Everyone except Ralphie's dad, who got it for him. Did Ralphie shoot his eye out? No, it never happened, he broke his glasses, that's all.

 This movie is a favorite of mine because it's not really about the Red Ryder BB gun, or the Bumpus hounds or the "major award" leg lamp. It's about what we remember most. We are entering the season of "lists" from who is naughty or nice, to the Black Friday specials, the holiday card addresses, and the invites to the New Year's party. Some of my most cherished memories of this time were never on any list. There was the Christmas my doll carriage fell apart and to make me feel better my father pretended to write to the factory elves about quality control, after spending two hours getting it put back together. Then the year George was nine days old, and there were still gifts to wrap for his older brother at 5 o'clock Christmas morning after a sleepless eve of screaming and diaper changes. These all could have been disasters, but that's not how they are remembered.

Enough of lists that are just more worries to add to the ones we already have. Most of them won't ever happen, Mark Twain was right; so much of what we worry about never comes to pass. Make new lists, without chores or "action items." Mine will read something like, "Call Lisa J. for coffee" or "Go to lunch with Miss June" and "Play cards with Auntie Anita." The rest of it can just wait. After Christmas, maybe I can pick up that Wonder Woman sword on clearance.