Pressure Cooker Parents

"The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day."

---Aaron Sorkin

Recently I was talking with some friends, and the topic of anxiety came up. An anxiety disorder is a real, medical, neurobiological condition, no question. It's one I wouldn't wish on anyone, it's crippling at times and not well understood. But there's also the regular run of the mill anxiety we all feel sometimes. Work deadlines, family pressure, stress and the like. What about that? I wish I knew, because then maybe I could help a few young friends of mine, but I don't have all the answers.

I have some questions though. Why is the rate of teen suicides up so much? It's horrifying. In the period between 2007 and 2015, the number of girls ages 15-19 who took their lives doubled. For boys, it went up 30%. We are losing too many precious kids to depression and anxiety issues.

Another question I have is: Why are so many teens so incredibly stressed out? Even some who are not harming themselves still suffer. Panic attacks, aggression, strained relationships with family, and risky behavior with drugs and alcohol are all hallmarks of stress. Remember when being 16 years old meant you hung out with friends, went to school, played a sport or joined the marching band and maybe on a Friday night you got to borrow your mom's car and go out with your friends? It's so not that simple anymore.

Where is this stress coming from? Some kids have diagnosed anxiety disorders, and my heart is with them and their families because it's incredibly hard dealing with that kind of illness. Some kids are just born high strung and put pressure on themselves over grades, SATs, college and so much else. Sometimes though, the pressure is coming from a parent. We've all seen those parents, and while I never like to assume I know everything by looking at someone, sometimes you can just tell. Haven't we all been at a game where a parent is screaming harsh criticism from the sidelines? Heck, I've been to a game where one parent punched another parent over a goal that was denied. This pressure cooker way of parenting is happening more than any of us realize, and our kids are at risk.

A friend told me that her husband (pardon me, now ex-husband) "required" their kids get As in every subject. I said, "What happens if they don't?" and her daughter spoke up at that point and said, "We were too scared to find out." Raise your hand if you think it's fine for a kid to get so freaked out over a B that they consider hurting themselves?  This dad isn't a one-off either, and it wasn't an issue of domestic violence, he never raised a hand to anyone, he just "laid down the law." There are a lot of parents just like him though. Ask any guidance counselor, principal or teacher how many kids they see that are about to burst from stress. You might be surprised.

How did some parents get this way? Another unanswerable question. They aren't all ogres, they aren't all looking to borrow Joan Crawford's wire hangers, but they're stressed too. They want the best for their children, but some of them have gotten it terribly wrong. Perhaps they've read too many books like "How to Prepare Your Pre-schooler for the Ivy League." Ok, that's not a real book (at least I hope not), but there are plenty of similar books. Maybe they've gotten caught up in some societal rat-race competition thing. I sure did a few times, thinking that my kid just had to take a particular class or stand out as a stellar athlete or they would be left behind, choking on the dust of failure and desperation. Do we all want the best for our kids? Yes. Is getting into an Ivy, or having the highest GPA in town or being an MVP worth their health, their sanity or their lives? No. I'm not making this up, there are kids dying over grades, over SATs, over social drama and while there could be hundreds of causes besides parenting, it's one of the few things we can control. It's got to stop. How do we make it stop?

I don't know any parent who doesn't love their children so much they'd walk through fire for them. Maybe before doing that, we parents could all take a long hard look at our kids, their strengths and weaknesses, their faults and fears, and remember that they are, for a little while yet, still children. Remember when they were babies, all pink and giggly? Somewhere under all the stress, the eye-rolls, and the sarcasm, we have to remember that they are still our babies and some of them are in a world of hurt. Surely we can fix that, right? I don't know about anyone else, but I'm with Sorkin on this one. If my kids come home at the end of the day, to me, that is everything and more.